Dear... Adoration
I love you. I could write about you for forever. As an aspiring author, when I write my characters, I see you.
I see you, I speak to you, and I feel you. This is the most painful feeling I've ever felt because I genuinely don't want it to go away. I've had my fair share of comfort in mental illness, and nothing felt as bad as this does. I just want you to love me, Adoration. I'll weep for you, I'll beg my Gods for you, I'll ask for you, I'll watch you, I'll try to impress you, it's all for you.
You're the reason I make any effort to improve my mental health or academic standing. You're the reason I exercise. You're the reason I don't carve your name into my skin. You're the reason I go on living, sometimes. You're worth so much to me, too much to me.
I don't want to let you go, Adoration. Keep holding my hands, keep tapping my shoulders, keep hugging me, keep celebrating with me. Keep looking at me. I am so in love with you, and it, for you, will be a very soft, welcoming love. For me, this love is harsh and unforgiving. It's violent. It is obsessive. I want you. I want you so bad that the thought of you makes me want to cry.
You come up in every conversation. I can never stop thinking of you. You are everything to me, and you will be for a very long, long time. I can't stop loving you and I really want to.
When I confessed to you, I believed your rejection would help me. This love was killing me. I knew you'd reject me, you don't love me, and I hoped I could get closure from that and thus move on. I don't feel as horrible anymore, but your rejection had a counter-effect and now I think I love you more. For some reason, instead of ridding me of the hope that someday you will love me, even if I have to wait years, it only strengthened that hope. I think that this hope is the only thing allowing me to be happy.
If I had no faith in a love between us rather than simply a love for you, I don't know if I would be able to live anymore. I can't live with this pain. We're only fifteen. I can't live with this pain.
I love you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you. Please stop hurting me. Please, just love me. Please. I love you.