Dear... Dad
I will never be able to love you the way I used to. We will never laugh together the way we used to. Your kind words won’t ever mean as much to me as they did when I was just a kid.
You’re mean, you’re manipulative, you’re uptight, you bottle your emotions until they break and you are ultimately unhappy.
It’s not your fault, the world isn’t always kind and you haven’t fulfilled your potential, but I always hoped that maybe I would be enough to make you happy. Maybe finding true love and seeing your kids grow up would bring you enough joy to fill the void you created for yourself.
Maybe it was easier for my brother because he got to grow up in a house that still had hope. He got to experience the dad that told us we could do anything and really believed it. He got the dad that didn’t wish he had done things differently.
I don’t think you regret me, and I think you do honestly love me, but something about me represents all of the things holding you to a life you don’t want.
I miss you dad. I miss the dad that sang with me in the car and gave me candy when mom wasn’t there and hugged me right when I cried. I miss not being able to tell when you were stressed or unhappy and I miss not wishing I knew how to fix it.
You were one of my favorite people and I want that person back.
You escaped a lower class family and you’ve accomplished so much, but you can’t expect me to thank you for just being my dad. You can’t expect me to worship you for giving me the opportunities I have just because you didn’t have them. I appreciate it, but it’s also your job as a parent to provide as many resources as you can for me.
You resent me for getting these amazing things at the same time, you do. I get to start out where you’re ending. I just wish you were a little more happy for me.
You used to be happy. You used to think that you could still achieve more and that kept you going.
Now you’re bitter. You are in the middle of a mid-life crisis and constantly question what the real value of life is.
That’s an important thing to go through, and it’s natural, but I don’t need someone around me wondering if his life was worth it when I’ve barely even started mine.
I get scared of you sometimes. I know you would never hurt me physically but when you’re stressed or annoyed, you radiate a kind of unhappiness that makes it impossible to not feel trapped.
Even mom avoids you and even resents you when you get like that. You drag everyone else down because things didn’t go your way, like a little toddler.
But you’re not always like that either. Sometimes you seem just like the old dad that I used to love, and you want to be treated the same way. You can’t accept that you’ve ruined everything we had because you ruined me.
You’re condescending in the worst way. It’s not straight forward, it’s hidden and concealed in a way that makes the other person feel dumb while you get to come off as the nice guy who knows a lot.
You’re nice to other people all the time, in fact, I’ve never seen you mean to anyone outside your family. You laugh and you smile and you joke and you’re a great person, and then you come home and get angry.
You never yell, you just silently huff and puff and radiate anger and annoyance until nobody wants to be around you anymore.
You wonder why I don’t ever spend time with you? It’s because half the time it doesn’t fit in with the plan in your head and the other half you just spend the time telling me how to improve.
You make it impossible to look forward to life, you make it impossible to want to move forward. I can’t forgive you for taking away my positivity in life. I can’t forgive you for putting yourself first.
I wish I still loved you. I wish I could even like you. But I can’t do anything more than respect you as my parent.
I’m sorry I can’t help you.