Dear... A Serhat Ç
I’m sorry, but fuck you as well.
It was trash, a trash situation, there are so many things I’m sorry for, but so many things I’m also mad at you about. Like you lying to me about not using social sites, like you lying to me about your duty date, you even sent me a mail pretending to be there, you went on your duty on 20 January, why lie to me if my intention was good? Why lie to me? This hurt me the most, more than you sharing our music with your new girlfriend, more than you sharing our phrases with your new girlfriend. You acted like trash.
But I did something bad too, and I was too ashamed to admit it, I’m sorry for that; for that, I could never see you. I’m writing this on Wednesday 29 April 2020, because this is one of those days where I can’t deal with these untold things anymore, I’m mad at you, but I also feel sorry for you.
To this day I still think you will be back, to this day I still think you will come and tell me you have missed me.
I still think we will meet and have a talk, I still think there is a future between both of us, do you still think about me? Ahhh so stupid, but the reality is you have no feels for me anymore, you found someone good enough to made you forget 4 years in 2 weeks, telling me that you want to do everything with her, that you want to take her out to eat, to prepare stupid totems, and other stuff I’m glad I don’t remember, all while writing to me “I don’t have Instagram”.
How you do it? Were you talking with her before? Were you talking with her all the time as we were together? Is this the crazy G you mentioned and ‘blocked’ in 2018? I will never know the answer to these, but at least asking them relieves me a bit.
I’m not like you, I can’t forget what we had in 5 months, I can’t be sending flowers and presents and different shit like you did to her during your duty service, you did all of these but were ‘too sick’ and had no time to answer a damn mail. Even writing this makes me mad, as if sharing 4 years of my life with you was whatever, as if sharing my deepest secrets was whatever...
My day 0 is that 4 March we talked coldly for the last time, I wrote you a mail on 16 March, only to realize you closed your mail account. This hurt me too, so much, was I that toxic? Was I that undesirable? I admit I hit rock bottom, and for you I’m only the crazy ex you had. You finished me in every way I could be finished. You made me not trust you by lying to me, you humiliated me, you played with my trust.
I broke up with you because I couldn’t deal with the fact you lied to me, even if we were nothing at the time this happened, just like now, my mind couldn’t deal with it - talking with you became a burden, but I loved you, and I love you, not as before, but I do, otherwise this wouldn’t hurt.
I don’t regret my decision, but I never thought I’d be this disappointed again. Why did you beg me to not break up? To be replaced and forgotten in 2 weeks? Why did you lie? I guess that’s my karma for lying to you as well (lying, not cheating because I never did that).
I never talked with I from Sweden, but I knew if I told M that I did, she would have told you, so when I’d ask you about seeing her in Hong Kong, you would answer with the truth. And that’s how it happened, because M and you were very, very predictable. I hope when you talk about me as your crazy ex, you are also reminded of what you did to me. 1, 2 and now 3 times, you’re such a trash, just like I am.
I’m not sure if you will ever look for me again, if you ever read this, I’ve not made peace with you but I hope I will soon. You will be forgotten, you will be dead for me, and I should accept you are dead, just like I am dead for you. I’m out of your life forever.