Dear... Struggling One
2020.
I’m lost and not just literally but figuratively. I’m tired… physically, emotionally, intellectually and as a whole. I know, this doesn’t sound like the most appealing start of what was supposed to be a great year, and onwards a great start of something new. I keep telling myself that this was not a personal thing and this must be happening with everyone else in this planet, well at least that’s what I keep reading on social platforms and the kind of personal pep talk I do to encourage positivism and to get through life. I find it frustrating (!!!) and sad and all the while engaged to the thought that even in loneliness I’m never alone. Or am I?
I am personally writing this letter, or rambling, because I wanted to have an outlet. Something where I can express myself, my emotions and my life… this one seems to be crumbling but I am doing fine... honestly, I am fine I just love exaggerating things, I love the thought of being miserable. Because I think that after every rain is a rainbow? Ha, I was always taught that way, a seed implanted in my lowly soul - HOPE. How could have I survived such things I went through without hope? I guess I would never know. Oh, by the way, I am 28 years old, a diploma holder, I am a registered nurse in 3 countries, I am self providing, I live and work abroad (somewhere in Europe) and I have a life that is more than ok and most importantly a happy family. My mom and dad - they are my core - they are the reason I want to achieve greater heights, the reason I want to be better and to simply put it, they are my life (p.s. I’m an only child lol). See? I don’t have it that bad do I? I am well in my late 20’s and a thriving life ahead of me, a blossoming career and the whole world to explore. But why do I feel like I’m stuck in a constant cycle of uplifting myself and doing the same damage all over again? When does this stop or does it even stop at all?
My dear reader, if anyone is even reading this, you might be guessing why I titled this letter 2020. Hahaha I don’t even know. I just feel that we all need to start somewhere... may it be in life or simply when writing something. And to stick with the title and to the theme of this very dragging letter I am about to give you deets about what makes my life a little bit frustrating, a tiny bit sad and a whole lot of cringe. Enjoy.
January 20
Clocking out from work after 12 hours of 7 night shifts always feels like an amazing accomplishment to have. I always get this surge of energy that feels like I can save the world, which always materialises in my bed while I am dreaming. The bed is always my weapon of choice in terms of deploying my energy - I’m dead tired, so no judgement allowed. But in this particular day in 2020, I decided to wait it out and use that energy for other things. At around 08:15 am I went to church and heard mass, a tradition we have as Roman Catholics on our natal day. It just feels right, plus it makes me happy.
Anyway, it’s my 28th birthday! Woot woot. Honestly, I tell you when you’re this age everything just blurs out, time seems to be quicker and when people ask you what age you are you tell them the year you are born or is it just me? I keep forgetting, I’m sure I’m above 25 and below 30, then it’s a guessing game not that it really matters though. I think 25, 26, 27, 28, 29 and 30 is the hustle age, figuring out and trying to build a name for your own. That was some insightful thought, I think I should share for those reaching the numbers, in the numbers already and for those past them, a good reminisce and a little smile from your “what am I reading” face.
Well, after feeding my spiritual side, I went home and helped in preparing food and our place for my small gathering which in this time was not frowned upon - no corona was spread this time, not even the beer kind. My birthday went great, I had the company of great friends which I considered family already, and an amazing set of gastronomic food. We had a few drinks, games and loads of good laughs. Of course, almost every gathering with alcohol in it is bound to have its mishaps, this time… a few bridges were burned and some of those wonderful bridges will come down later this year (one’s that you just let go not because you want to but because it hurts to hold on to it more). Life is really funny in its ways. They say that we have all the options right in front of us and that all the paths that we take are the sum of choices we choose. I believe in those words but I do strongly believe that it’s a two way system. Your decision and the others, I may have a forgiving and fixing approach to things but for some they might choose to hold on longer to the pain that was caused and it’s all right. Each individual should be able to immerse and feel the pain and hurt they have until they are ready to let go and all the other person can do is respect and let that be. As one told me not so long ago, only time will tell. January 20 was just another fleeting day of this very surprising year, not only for me but for everyone that inhabits this wonderful earth of ours. And I’m sure that you agree on it while reading this crazy letter of mine, whatever day you are in. I decided to start on this day and not the 1st Jan, cause let’s be honest, it’s my birthday and I like to be self-centered sometimes, just like you. And that is allowed. Give me a nod?
Again all these boils down to the question what is the purpose of all of this? I guess we try to live out a life which is meaningful, happy and a life which we can look back at after a certain age and feel like we have accomplished something - but to what extent? What is happiness? What is life? Is there a lesson here to learn before departing this material world? If we dissect all aspects and beliefs, we would have different answers - in all forms and views it seems to boil down to being a good and just citizen, not of a nation but of humankind.
I maybe called dumb, stupid and an idiot for asking such questions but I think we are battling different demons to just be affected by these judgements. I am a person that easily gets affected by what others say and gets hurts when things don’t go my way. I have tried to view things differently, to exercise and to find ways to vent out my frustration and change my views but I guess it’s a battle I will continue to fight until I learn to accept ME. I knew that already, I knew that the best way to move on and to learn new things is to fundamentally know who you really are. But I guess even in that aspect I am struggling. Funny thing about it is, I know I am in that point where I know there is a problem but I can’t acknowledge it because I don’t know how to deal with it. Is it just me? Where and what aspect should I strengthen to push through this? I am optimistic in things I want and in life in general, but at the moment so much as a grain of optimism is needed to get that optimistic view I need.
This is not a cry for help or something this is just an outlet I wanted to share, not to depress you but to let someone know out there having the same questions and problems that you are not alone. Ha, that seems like a shallow read into my life but I tell you it’s not even a fraction of who I am. To give you a taste, I am also gay. I haven’t had the conversation with my dad, but mom knows. I hate the situation I have at work now but thankful I have one and I’m in a relationship which I don’t know if I’m ready for or not, but we’re living in together, am I settling?
I’m tired. But I wont give up. And YOU shouldn’t.