Dear... The Goode Deputy
You’ll be the greatest heartbreak. Your lips taste like heaven. Your smile sends my heartbeat soaring. I feel like I can feel it in my throat. Hazel eyes so perceptive and smile so wide. Your smile really is everything and more. I’m scared that these butterflies will consume me. You came into my life when I was broken. You were the first positive thing of 2020. The reason I can’t look in your eyes is simple. I’m scared I’m going to fall, and you won’t feel the same.
You make me nervous. I’m so timid to kiss you, even though that is all I crave. I rewrite everything three times before I send it, trying to convey my feelings but protect myself. I spent five hours watching YouTube learning your hobbies to try to impress you. When I get a notification, I already pray it’ll be your name that flashes. I’m mad that I fell so damn quick for a guy that I barely know. I already worry every time you go to work. Worried you won’t make it home. I already have little moments where I think about our future, even a life with you.
This is a school yard crush, adulthood fantasy, and pure awe all in one. That’s fucking insane. I’ve known you less than 10 days. You make me a better person because, for once, I want to be a better person for more than just someone else. I want to be strong and love myself. I took those words to heart that night. I’m going to become stronger. Then one day I can be your rock when you need it. I can be what you need... I just pray one day I’ll be what you want.
See, there’s a notification from you. I can’t stop smiling and having to hold back from replying so damn quick to keep you from realizing how much I like you.
Yet this feeling is so foreign. I’ve liked many people. I’ve been in love, or the concept of love that I was fed from the age of 15. Yet this feeling, I have never felt so damn helpless. I’ve never worried or questioned myself this much. I’ve never been so consumed by anyone else. I have never poured my heart in secret. I have never been sick to my stomach. I have never prepped so hard for a man to come over. When you couldn’t stay the night... I cried worrying all I may have been was a one-night stand and fearful of the answer. I’m so nervous. I’m so cautious. I like you. And I’m so fucked up by it... because today you told me you didn't feel the same.
Knowing you do not feel the same. Knowing that I will now become just your friend. I can feel it in my chest. That faint break, but unlike schoolhouse heartbreaks, this one reaches my stomach. It extends beyond into my toes. I can feel the sadness seep into my bones. I will never stop wanting to be that girl. Maybe I feel in utter awe of you that I immediately put my heart on my sleeve.
I will say I am fine. I am not. I will pretend to be fine with being that girl best friend. I will hate the times where I control myself from double or triple texting you… from saying I miss you. As I sit here and type these words, I want to be back there with you treasuring each second. I will cry. Now my tears will fall because I wanted the unknown. I want to jump into the abyss with you. I want to see where this goes. I wanted the innocent relationship. The nights we could have just sat in silence watching crime shows. The hurt we have both felt drove us to being comfortable with each other. I have never been so open with anyone. I am completely vulnerable with you.
I know you will see this. I know you will know that it is about you. Even without mentioning your name, without using indicators you will know. I am terrified of what you will say, think, or do. But this is me taking a leap. I would rather at least have this letter in the world, knowing you can read it whenever and wherever... if I am no longer a part of your life.
I understand that in 10 days I did the exact thing I swore I’d never do. Fall into happiness with someone. I have become that girl that stupidly ask for the heartbreak. The chances of you thinking I am crazy for feeling any of this is high. The chances of you and others thinking I am a childish little girl who fell for an idea are even higher. But I know the truth, you will be the one that fit my idea of perfection yet flawed.
You will be the man I compare all others to even when you don’t remember my name anymore. You have given me so much in so little time. You are a blessing. You are my miracle. I can not say I am in love with you, simply because there is so much to explore before we get there. But I knew from the first moment I saw you step out of that SUV that I was goner. You have a piece of my heart. You have a piece of me and I will never know how you managed to make a broken girl feel this, but you did. You saved me in a way you’ll never understand.