Dear... Sweetheart
I love you. I wish I could tell you every day how much I love you! Wake you up every day with words that will give you just a glint if happiness. Just hearing someone say "I love you" before you go off to start your day would feel good, right?
If not that, then maybe just little reminders of what you need to do each day.
I know sometimes I can be very destructive, but it's who I am, and it won't ever fully go away. Sometimes I wish you would just understand me, but then I see that you just don't care. And I can't tell whether that's good or bad. But at least you stay... my love.
I'm happiest when I can ignore those destructive thoughts, and just express my love for you without worry.
You have no idea how much pressure I have been under for the past year, because I never told you. Much of those tirades were because I'm very confused and clingy, yes, but most of them were a response to my suffering. I hadn't realized how much I was suffering in those moments. How much my family had painted you as a monster because of their own confusion, and how much I wanted to believe them because if I hadn't, there'd be consequences for me.
I didn't mean to make this letter depressing. You are my sweetheart and all I want is for my love to remain sweet like honey! But if I'm not happy then that's not possible.
It's impossible to be happy all of the time, but I just ask myself to be happier and trusting of this universe that the one above has allowed me to experience.
Because if I am a ray of sunshine, then I can be YOUR ray of sunshine. I don't want to be a rain cloud who sobs and follows you around. Sometimes being a rain cloud is okay, but I don't want that to be all I am. I want to be your little cheerleader, who encourages you through your more difficult days.
I want to be someone who maybe is annoying, but is actually appreciated for her repeated attempts to make you smile, even if it's just a little bit.
I love you friend. I love you so much.
Everyday I think about you.
How I wish I could see you, my love.
You are my darling, you are the most wonderful man I'll ever find on this planet. I LOVE you.
You are a beautiful human being! If you ever knew this, I'd be so happy. I can never say it right, but one day I swear I will. Not all in one shot, but overtime, through exposure to one another. Through actions, through words, through feelings.
The only way that can happen is if I stay close to you and learn to trust you. It's a long road, isn't it?
We can do it together, my friend.