Dear... Former Teacher
I honestly don't know why I am doing this. Yet I still feel compelled to. Maybe it's because it's been nearly 7 months since my last day of high school and I'm still hung up over how I acted. There are so many things I wish I could have said or done before I walked out of the door one last time. But here we are. Writing my feelings anonymously on the internet in hopes of finally moving past what I did. Here goes nothing.
I wish I could have properly thanked you for all that happened. There's a more personal letter I wrote when you asked for a note describing how the year went. It's still in my Google Drive, and I'm still the only person who has seen it. I never mustered up the courage to finally give you the letter in person, and I wish I could have. I could have uploaded the letter with my last homework assignment, but it was four pages and I did not feel like uploading nearly eight pages for a homework assignment. I would post that letter here, but it got way too personal and I would like to remain as anonymous as possible. I haven't read it since I typed it back in May, and I don't know if I can ever bring myself to read it. But it's there, probably forever going to haunt me.
I wish I could have properly asked you to write me a recommendation letter for college, not some long winded desperate plea email after school the day before winter break and eleven days before the application was due. I am very thankful you wrote one, even if I did not give much in return. That letter helped get into my top choice college, even if financial issues prevented me from attending in the end. I just wish I could have said more than "thank you" in an email or very briefly in person. I know you did not have to write one, but I feel like a jerk for thrusting something on you so briefly before a deadline and not saying much in return. I really appreciated you taking part of your time and helping me. Social anxiety prevented me from saying so much more.
I wish I could have told you how much you mean to me. I remember when you asked me if I was okay in the middle of class when I was very clearly sleep deprived, and I remember getting "yelled" at after class to get more sleep. I remember taking time to ask if I understood the material when I tried to be discreet about admitting tech week for musical made it very hard to truly understand what was going on in class. I remember when you handed back my test when I did something wrong and explained to me what else I got wrong after handing it a second time. I also remember you trying to calm me down after the explanation caused a slight panic attack because I was ashamed I messed up.
I remember when you got excited over the drawing I was working on for my musical binder cover after finals because I had nothing better to do. I remember when you gave me a book of brain teasers to look through because I had nothing better to do after a test. I remember how you made me feel slightly better about myself when I was barred from the school blood drive because my iron levels were too low.
I'm sure there are so many other things I do not remember right now, but there were so many small things that happened that made me feel like you weren't my teacher. I felt happy walking into class most times, something I can't say I felt in most cases. You made learning fun in a subject I was somewhat losing interest in. You gave me confidence back since I was unsure at the beginning of the year whether or not I should take the class. You helped me get the only 5 I ever got on an AP test. You made me want to do well, and you gave me the motivation to get the highest grades in math I have ever gotten over my four years of high school. You truly helped me want to be a better person and better student, and I thank you for that. I don't know if you remember any of these things, but I do. And it made my senior year SO much better.
Which brings me to my final wish. Why I wrote this letter. Why I still feel this way after graduating many months ago. I wish the last time we saw each other I acted differently. With all the emotions of graduating and leaving so many awesome people behind, I got caught up in my emotions in that moment and nearly started crying. I remember how before I left you ran after me to give me one final hug and told me I did amazing that year. That's when I left, and that's when being alone caused the tears to start. You never saw me cry, you just saw me being too emotional. But I feel like saying goodbye is what truly caused me to start crying once I left. And being too emotional is what prevented me from saying my true feelings. I hate how the last time we saw each other I was too emotional and that may as well be the last moment we see each other in person. I am fairly certain you don't remember me being emotional and that's not the impression I left as a student. It just hurts me that I had such an amazing senior year and I never got the chance to truly say how awesome you helped make it.
I know I will probably never get the chance to see you in person one last time to have a re-do of the last moment I regret so much. I just want to stop replaying it over and over in my head and focus on other things. I thought being friends on Facebook would help me move past this. Instead, I just had a freak out in my dorm room as I wondered whether or not pressing the button was a good idea. Which then led to debating whether or not sending the friend request was a good idea as I waited. Which then led to another slight panic once I saw the request was accepted. Which then led to my final panic as I saw you liked one of my posts. At that point, I just shut off my phone and went to bed. And the feelings are still here. Confessing my feelings anonymously has worked before, so maybe it will help me again. I don't know if I can move past this completely, but maybe typing this letter will help me stop obsessing over what I did.
If you somehow read this, you might know who you are. And you might know who I am too. If you would ever like to see the letter I wrote in May, I still have it and I would be more than happy to show you. I wrote this one to prove to myself I can move past the last moment. The do-over may never happen and I am fine with that now. I can use this letter to prove how much you meant to me and how much of an impact you had on my senior year. Even though you may never see it, just like the one I wrote in May. At this point, there's not much else I can do anyway. If this letter gets buried with the rest of them, let it get buried. I just need to confess my feelings.
So here's to moving past my actions and letting go of the past. Thanks for making my senior year incredible and being one of my favorite teachers I ever had. Hopefully you enjoyed having me in class too.