Dear... My Best Friend
She's the only reason why I still wake up in the morning. We didn't fall in love in October and that's okay, because I think I did.
You'll probably never look at me the same and that's okay, if I get to look at you from afar. Im closeted in my feelings and I wish I knew all the things I want to tell you, but I never will. And I want to save myself from despair and you from disgust that you would perceive me with, if I ever told you. I just want to hold you tight in my arms or you to do that to me when I'm down or if you are. And the whole world will be the same if I don't tell you that, but I think I love you already. And I know you would never understand why I'm feeling these things for you, because you don't feel that way. And I'm not all-covered in my sex drive, I just want the small things; the looks shared across the hall, hands holding, even if nobody could see, our knees or elbows or fingers slowly starting too touch during class, your lashes touching my cheek if you hugged me.
I may be drowning in self pity now but I really want to come clean. It doesn't seem to end and it's only starting to get deeper, and deeper and I'm scared. I’m scared that you'll eventually realise how I feel and won't tell me. Or you will, and you will tell me how much you despise me, how much you hate me now and even if I start wanting somebody else, I want to remember that you are and always will be the one I truly love. And it will eventually kill me and it's starting to, slowly, but it is. I want to share as many moments as I can with you because I’ll die one day. And that day I want to be surrounded in the memory of you.
And do people fall out of love? Because now I realize I might want that. And don't misunderstand me, I don’t want to not remember you, but this place is so dark and empty and I don't want to be here. So you can either save me - but you won't because you have your own problems and you don't know where I am, and even if you wanted you couldn't, because you don't share my feelings. And because you can't save me, the only thing that I can do is fall out of love, and just continue being friends. And being friends is, or was, okay for a while, in the beginning, but I don't think it is now. And I love you, or I like you, or I love you and every time I gaze upon your eyes I see home.
But you don't feel the same way and that's okay. It really is even for me but, I just wish it was different.