Dear... My Younger Self
Do you realize how much time we are going to waste on weed? Not just smoking it, but from sourcing it to recovering from it? The "cool" effects of weed die out in a few months. After that, it’s only the addiction talking.
The desensitization from mundane is so strong that even after many sessions of meditation, our mind will still not center. The fact that I live walking distance away from a dispensary doesn't help in the least. I have routinely spent $50-100 per month on this. Gaining nothing, wasting time — the most precious resource on earth.
The oldest note (April 3, 2022) I have against weed says this:
"The problem is not weed but the failure to..."
leaving the sentence unfinished. I know it would've said "failure to control its consumption". I think that's the early part of addiction, when we are blaming our consumption habit rather than the drug itself.
On April 12, 2022, after sleeping a night on Kratom (which I didn't ever do again) I have written:
"Drugs are not good. They change the symptoms in mind instead of changing the underlying cause, which is impossible for them to affect."
Elsewhere, I have written:
"I need to do better. These might be good for certain experiments, but their frequent use can affect how our body naturally reacts to things. Only food and water are safe for consumption. Even tea and coffee aren't good in long term."
That day is also my first recorded attempt to quit:
"I need to be confident enough to say no, a hundred times. They say it takes 21 days, that's end of April basically."
It has been more than two years since then. Nothing has changed. My consumption has increased, if not remained same. Sometimes, I might take a break for 1-2 weeks, and that's also because of Vipassana where I'm not allowed to consume it. Interestingly, I don't crave weed at Vipassana at all!
On May 3, 2022:
"I saw first signs of neurological damage because of weed. I hope it’s not long term though".
A month later on July 29, 2022, I expound on reasons why I should quit weed:
“It kills time; it is "crowding out" important things I need to do, it amplifies emotions.”
For the next two years, I wrote several notes on why I needed to quit weed, why it is bad for me, and more. But none of that seemed to help much with the actual act of quitting weed. I also refrained from asking help; I'm not an addict okay. I know people who consume far more than I do.
While I was reviewing the year 2022, there is a question that says:
"What you wish you'd done less of?"
My answer to that is clear: weed. But even two years since then, I am still consuming weed like I used to.
I thought maybe it was the apartment where I was living. When all your roommates smoke, it's hard to be an outlier. So, I moved to a single bedroom apartment. In less than a month, the habit had a comeback. One and half years living there, I moved to another place thinking now it's the time. But yesterday, I smoked again. These days, I use my fire exit staircase, maintaining the santity of my bedroom. But yesterday, I smoked in my room.
Why is the foreknowledge that I should stop not helping me to stop in any way?
All of these only imply one message. If I could tell you anything, I would tell you this:
"Be careful of drugs, especially weed. It was fun for six month tops, and took more than two years to quit."