Dear... The Man I Love Who Will Never Love Me As I Am
I write this as a way of expressing my feelings in the best way I can since I can never tell you.
I am a really good friend of yours, and I know me telling you how I feel will completely shatter and destroy every memory you and I have ever made together. You knew me before I began my transition, and sometimes I feel like I'm damned to feel the way I do for the rest of my life because we met when we did. I constantly wonder whether, if you had met me further along in my transition, maybe your feelings for me would possibly be different. You'd see me as a woman, instead of someone becoming one.
It's extremely hard and painful for me to continue talking to you as if I am not in love with you. Everything you do simply stuns me, and the feeling I get when you say my name is unlike anything I have ever felt before. You make me feel as if I don't have to be alone, and I'm not alone when I am with you, but I am not "with" you, so I feel alone.
I appreciate your friendship and I am extremely grateful that you are there for me when I need you, but the fact that I don't think you will be there for me in the same way as I am for you absolutely breaks me on the inside. All of my friends think that you know exactly how I feel about you, and they may be right, but the fact you don't say anything even if you know, tells me everything I need to know. But, I choose to ignore it, because I can't bear the thought of you not being in my life.
I know you love me as a friend, and I hate saying it, but I am at a point where I don't want your love if it's just that. I want more than that, and I'm slowly accepting the fact that I will never get that, because you will never see me as the woman I am. I have to start letting you go, but I will do that in my own time.
I love you, until I don't.