Dear... O
I hesitated a lot before writing this letter, I wanted to write it for so long but never did, until today. And I still don’t know if I'll have the courage to send it to you. I wanted to tell you this before the end of this year.. .hoping that I would find peace... because I'm so very tired. And I apologize if this letter will cause you any discomfort, and I realize that you mind find it weird or awkward... but please... read it, and I will never ask anything else from you ever again.
You see, there is a back story for everything that happens in life.
Ever since we stopped talking to each other, time has moved normally for all people…
Except me.
Our story might have ended for you at that time, but not for me. 467 days later... and I am still stuck... in that day.
And I'm grateful for that.
Why?
Because being stuck in that day made me try with all my strength to move forward; and while doing so I have achieved so many things.
So this is the first reason to thank you for, my dear O.
I admit that I didn’t treasured you enough when we were still talking, there are many details about you that I wish I could remember now, but I can't. You have always been a very dear person to me, and at one point you were the closest human being to me on the entire planet. We were so connected that I dreamt of things about you that would turn into reality afterwards and I told you that. If this was not a soul connection then I don’t know what is.
I thank you for everything that you have done for me, I thank you for being my best friend, my brother, even a parent sometimes haha.
And mostly, I thank you... for your feelings for me, for seeing things in me that people do not see, for seeing things that even I have failed to see in myself.
And I want you to know something about our story; the back story, the things that happened behind our story or after it. I have been thinking so much about you after you decided we would stop talking. At first I was so angry I couldn’t look at you, so angry because you decided something for me, something that I did not want. It was painful, But with time I understood that you only did that because you felt that it would be what's best for me, for both of us, and I thank you for making that hard decision, knowing how much pain it caused you.
A couple of months later and anger turned into pure sorrow. It felt like... I lost a part of me... I felt so sad and miserable to be honest. Until one day, you knocked on the glass door of my office and entered, and offered me a small cookie that your sister has baked. I was surprised, I didn't know what to do and I told you that I was on a diet. You smiled and told me that it's just a small piece. I took it and you left.
The back story of that story my dear O, is that in that moment... after you left... I cried.
Because in those 2 days before this happened I've been missing you so much, not knowing what to do or how to feel. And then you came to me, acted the way you always act... a kind beautiful soul… someone who's smart, active, positive, wonderful inside and out. In that moment I realized… that I fell deeply in love with you O. I've always knew that I loved you but... in that moment... I realized how deep that feeling is for you. I cried out of joy. I was happy. That feeling brought joy to my heart... and I thank you for that.
The months after that I have changed into another person, I have become extra nervous when you are around. I get excited and happy when I see you passing by or hear your voice... so much to the point that sometimes when you talk I would just close my eyes… and just... enjoy listening to you talk… and I smile.
I love you.
I love you so very much.
I love everything about you… absolutely everything.
You are perfect to me O, and I realized that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with anyone other than you, even though I know that the chances are low.
You have no idea how much I want to talk to you, how much I want to spend time with you. I would do anything just to spend one day with you. Just one day would be enough.
You asked me to delete our conversations, that won’t work. Because everything that happened between us is in my heart and mind.
You might say that I'm feeling this way because I see you almost every day. I would tell you no. You're on my mind wherever I am, O. When I first wake up, when I go to bed, when I see random things that remind me of you, when I'm on leave, in the country, out of the country, and even in my dreams.
Let me tell you something funny. I freak out whenever I see a grey Nissan patrol in the streets, because I keep thinking that that might be you, and that happens every day! You know how many grey Nissan patrols are in the streets? A lot!
And when I realize that it's you, I would wave my hands for you saying ‘hi’ like a crazy woman even though I know you can’t see me.
I worry about you, I always ask around about you because I can’t talk to you. I sometimes send people to check on you and see how you're doing.
I feel jealous when other people can talk to you so freely and I can’t. I feel jealous when I see you talk to other girls too, or when girls say that you look hot and cute now because you lost weight, I would say to myself: "Now you realize that he is hot and cute? He was always this way, even before!"
I can't get you off my mind. I have tried everything this year, O, in order to forget you... but I can’t.
I compare you to every man that I see or meet... and you always win.
So, the only thing that I haven’t tried is telling you about all of this. Thanking you for everything that you did to me. I'm hoping I can accept my feelings for you and our situation instead of fighting it and running away from it. I want time to start moving again.
But I also want you to know that you are the love of my life, O. And I don’t want anyone else other than you.
I don’t know what will change if I send this letter to you, I don’t know if anything will change to begin with. All I know is that my feelings have to reach you. I know that you might be over me, you might even hate me, it's okay. As long as these feelings… that grew slowly in my heart for you... are able to reach you.
Please take care of yourself. I miss your stories about your sister and her sons that I miss so much, and your mom and your crazy friends. I hope they're all okay.
I love you so much O, and I am so proud of you.
Have a wonderful year ahead.