Dear... You
We've been speaking for 3 months now. 3 months of speaking after 3 years of radio silence. You broke my heart when you left 3 years ago without a word.
I was shattered and never really recovered from it. I morphed into this person I didn't recognize. Someone disfigured from the wounds of our relationship. I don't think I ever truly got over what happened, despite both of us dating other people. I always thought about you and reached out when I had enough courage/hope only to retreat within myself each time you didn't answer. I hated myself for being that weak and resented you for not caring enough to respond.
But here we are again... 3 years later, on speaking terms, trying to figure this out. You apologized and I forgave you, so we're trying to work this out amid a global pandemic, across oceans.
I still have a lot of unresolved emotions that I don't know how to process and work through with you... so here goes... everything:
I don't know if I can love you the same way I did.
I think back to that person who I was 3 years ago and I don't recognize her. She was so willing to truly be vulnerable and open her heart. She loved without fear or reserve. Now, I'm afraid of being hurt by the same person twice and I'm not capable of being your friend if this doesn't work out.
Was I the other woman?
When we first started speaking again, I asked if you were seeing anyone else while we were together. You said no, but c’mon, who would say yes to that question? Especially if you're trying to rekindle a relationship. I think I was the other woman and that breaks my heart. I feel as though that's why you left in the first place. Your guilt consumed you, so you hurt me instead rather than own up to your own mistakes. How do I even speak to you about this without calling you a liar? I have proof though. Proof that I was the other woman. Proof that I can't even look at without my eye swelling with tears. How do I move on from here without confronting you with this? Would it change the way I feel? Probably not. Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me someone whose damaged and deranged? Feels like it. How am I supposed to be okay with loving you when you made me the other woman and didn't come clean about it?
Where do we go from here?
We've been speaking for three months now, but there is still the looming reality of us not knowing where this is going. I need intentionality.
I don't know where to go from here. My heart is saying this feels so right, but my head is saying be smart, don't be fooled. How do I love you again through the hurt you've caused? I don't know if I can, and I almost hate myself for wanting to.
I'm torn.