Dear... Katie
Hi, it’s me. The palmetto bug girl. Beatrice. Whatever. I’m so glad I found this website because I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, and not just with you either. I know you won’t see this, and if you do you won’t know that it’s me that wrote it. But I just wanted to say... I know today’s Easter and you’re at home probably wishing you could be in church, and doing who knows what else. I know you’re not getting paid by your job right now and are bored and lonely and everything else. I know. I know a lot of stuff because I’m an elephant and I never forget. (See what I did there? See, I remember. No one else will understand that besides you.) And I know I’ve told you how much I loved doing everything (I’m going to keep it vague so no one can look us up) in the fall. And I’ve told you how important it was to me, and still is. I’ve hinted at some other stuff too. Some worse stuff. But the truth is, during this quarantine when I don’t have a whole lot else to do, I’ve started thinking a lot about what I haven’t told you. It’s a lot. I even got up in the middle of the night and made a list on the last page of a notebook. It was a long list, and I almost ran out of room.
You probably think you know my story of how I met you and ended up here, but you don’t. I have hinted at some stuff in my past that I escaped from, but you most likely haven’t put much thought into that. (See the thing is, you know so many cool and interesting people, and I really don’t. So I love your origin story, but you probably wouldn’t think mine is all that fascinating.) And if you did know, you would probably just think I’m being dramatic (which of course is extremely on brand for me haha). But the thing is, I love my story because it happened to me and only me. That’s why I love your story too, especially after what you told us yesterday on the zoom call, which made me laugh so hard. There’s so much I haven’t told you, and maybe one day I will.
But I wanted to say... sometimes I’m not doing too well. My situation where I live is not great, and the space you create has been my light. Like yesterday. The second half of yesterday was completely awful and I’m so glad we did that thing we did in the morning because at least when I look back on April 11th it won’t be completely shitty and I’ll have at least one good memory. It was so much fun. And on leap day when I hugged you in the parking lot, and then you texted me later to check on me. It really meant so much to me that you did that, and I clung to that for days.
You’re the only person who really knows that something’s wrong, and I so appreciate your concern. If things ever got really bad, I’d call you, I guess. That probably won’t happen. But the space you made has been my light space for real, girl. I don’t know what I’d do without it.
I sometimes feel like I don’t know what to do with you. I have this really bad habit of forming emotional bonds with people I work with as mentors and stuff, and I don’t know how to do boundaries. I’m still figuring that out. I don’t think I’ll ever completely have that figured out.
I didn’t realize this until literally just this second, but I met you exactly six months ago today (or eighteen months, depending on who’s counting. That’s another thing you don’t know: dates have a lot of significance to me.) We’ve been through so much shit, together and separately, in the last six months. Today’s April 12th. That’s important.
This is hella long and probably no one will read this. I hope this gets posted. Sorry about the swearing lol.
Got your back forever. I hope you have mine ❤
I still have no fucking idea what I’m doing but I’m doing my best.