Dear... The Love Of My Life
The lost innocence.
The below lines will compile what I can muster about my fairy tale ideology of the naïve concept I had on what our love was. This is conjugated in past tense because, of course, recent events have forcefully changed that inner perspective I exteriorized on my views of love. Which, not only was a configuration of my persona but also affected my actions in the area of love.
Before, when we started and really all along these past years by your side, I adopted a very naïve notion of the feelings my heart/mind emulated while I gravitated around you. I used to think you didn’t have eyes for anyone else. In my mind, I though you did not have the capacity to look towards another person, another man, and consider even a possibility was plausible. You see, I construct the meaning of some emotional concepts from my own experience and here is where I have terribly failed to you, but most important, to myself. I have allowed this child-like notion of our love become my sure faith in how I felt for you. I call it faith because it is forged into the word believe which requires a person to put their trust and understanding into intangible matters that yet, affect us all on a very real way.
This doesn’t mean I have been oblivious to the reality of your flaws as a person, or even to my own which would amount to a list so long, I could write a book just about my flaws and faults (maybe I will). But these details never got in the way of my understanding on my love for you. All the contrary, it just enforced my believe that love is compassion, understanding, and forgiving. Many times in the past you have directed yourself to me in manners that would qualify under verbal or even physical abuse. Although undergoing this treatment would be a bit sadistic, it didn’t matter to me, I could see through your sadness, anxiety, confusion, rage, I could see the soft, kind hearted, loving, compassionate person you really are. But recently you’ve started a new chapter of your life, and I was sad to see how something normal evolved into an actual issue. You didn’t seem to notice nor it felt like you wanted to do so. I observed you in silence as you changed, your ideologies, your ethics, your life goals, your pursuit of happiness, your tolerance to stress, your vision, your affection, your interest in me, your perception of me, your integrity, our trust. This is another list of things that have changed over the course of recent months which I could make a long list for. But this writing prompt is not about listing characteristics of our personalities. This is about how all this changed my views on what love is, on how I felt I was acting out of love in the past, how I thought we were loving each other in blissful sheer happiness. How wrong was I, right? Somewhat, very deluded.
I remember when you were staying at home, you and I used to sit and talk about our goals for life. The beautiful things we wanted to do and have together. We wanted to move out of the city to have a peaceful life away from the social vanity that intoxicates the people that live in such groups. We wanted to just spend our time with each other, living life, living that child dream we all were born to really experience. Still today, I don’t think that life is meant to be what we are making of it. This is why I spend most of my days sitting at my desk brain dead as I allow my body to mechanically process the work as my mind races through the galaxies seeking the truth behind such abstract concepts, life & happiness.
We wanted to have at least one baby and hopeful adopt one or two after that. You have no idea how big my heart would get when I would listen to your voice telling me you wanted to have my babies, with your eyes filled in tears of happiness. Oh, what a feeling, I miss it so much. I think, it is one of the few moments I have felt so much love, I think for a moment I became love itself. But no, I am starting to sense love is not really a feeling, it is just a happy moment that exist within a long and painful life. We spend our lives in the search of such treasure thinking we will find it in someone else. But the sad truth is, that does not exist, not even inside my own self. I searched so badly, I was desperate to find it, even if it was inside me, but I was left with my hands empty, lacerated for scraping the soil or this rough place I saw in me. A hell like looking wasteland, with dark red sky, all clouds above where I stand are dark, such a dark tone of grey, it doesn’t reflect any kind of light and absorbs all photons that have the sad destiny to such place as their trajectory. The earth is hot, but not hot enough to burn my naked feet. But the rocks that cover the floor mixed with tiny stones that almost look like sand, they have opened up small cuts under my toes and hills. And as I walk, I can feel those tiny stones filtering into my flesh making every further step I take costly. But I walked on, I had to crawl sometimes just to be able to continue, I had to, I needed to find something down there. But I didn’t, I just learned more about myself that I would ever wanted to know. I learned about how little and pity I can be. I learned that just because I sense the word in a certain way, doesn’t mean the world is shaped in that same manner. I learned that my perception of all the figures that rise before my eyes are a mere constructions of my own imagination. I learned that I lack the resources to reach you in that place that you’ve gone to. I screamed your name to the skies, I cried so much, I sobbed uncontrollably, I couldn’t hold back my feelings and conceal them as life thought me to. So bad my eyes cascaded sorrow and pain, I never, ever cry, but my tears are yours – you are the only one that brings my emotions to surface in my skin (not all bad emotions, you have that power over my good ones too and it made me feel so alive). I wish you’d return to me, to shine the light in my heart again, but that will only happen when you are ready to be mine as I always have been yours.
An interview called you for a job at a considerably large company. In the start it was all nervousness and uncertainty about the people you were getting to meet. You would come most of the days exited to tell me how your day had been. And it made me so happy to listen to you. It wasn’t even few weeks when I started to notice how some of the notions you had about certain very specific topics started to shift in a non discreet way. It felt as if you were trying to bring up these new ideologies you allowed some other buffoon to plant on your head. But who the hell am I to tell you what you are supposed to think, I only can share how I feel about it, it is obvious that you, in fact, are not mine. You started to have a great urge to construct an individual social live of your own, this not discarding you have your own friends as is and that never bothered me (I thought it to be the normal thing). I remember how you would mention their names and as I listen I would construct images of them in my head with the given description and the stories that depicted in them their characters. It was odd how you would mention a friend you certainly felt differently about just as one more of the pack when you spoke about all of them. You probably will deny it till the end of time, and you doing so just disappoints, hurts, and destroys me. Acting as if you are unaware of what an affair is, acting as if an emotional affair is nothing to be bothered by. I remember on our initial talks how you would say yourself you didn’t want to make your next best friend a guy, nonetheless the guy you’ve had an emotional affair with. And guess what, it felt more like you were being audacious enough to tell me in advance this is what in fact what was happening. The saddest part of it of all, I saw all of it unveiling before my eyes and saw how little did you care to take corrective action on the matter. All the contrary, you had done all that it is in your power, not to drive me away while advocating for this person. You will NEVER understand how painful this is to me. That is one of the few things in life I am as sure it is as death that comes to every living thing under the blue sky.
I am a very attached person, but here is the funny part about me being attached; I am only like that with you. I already gave up on the world, I knew before I met you, no one was pure, honest, sincere, as I thought you to be. Don’t look at me, we both can agree I am so far from reaching any of these virtuous traits, I could spend a lifetime trying to master only one of them. But you have pushed me away, you have tell me that I am too much, too close, too many hugs, too many kisses, too much touch. I died a little bit inside every time you said things like this, I could never get enough of your touch, your hugs, your kisses, your eyes. I feel completely repulsive by now. I think that the thought of not seeing my body uncovered gives you relief sometimes. This is why I am starting to cover myself more and more these days. I am starting to develop a real dislike for this sack of skin, bones, hairs, nails, flesh that I am. Maybe there isn’t much more into me that just that, flesh and mortality.
It can be very disappointing when someone is doing something wrong and on top of lying, going to any extend to turn the table. To get defensive and even find a way to end the conversations with your famous BUT where you switch the whole focus of or conversation into some kind of moral lesson and down talk that just lets me feeling stupid and dumb. Thinking that I am wrong for being insecure because you have this attraction (you will not stop calling it friendship) with a person that does more than reciprocate you. No, this person made sure to only message you or communicate with you when I was sure not be around. I mean, can you stop for a second, use your eyes and brain and observe the chain of events?! PLEASE!!!!
Your dismissal of such important details into my arguments just maddens me more, makes me feel like I am in fact just going crazy. I think that we can all agree, it would be the most simple of solutions to our lives. To assume I am just crazy, jealous, and controlling. Rather than, to assume, you are sabotaging us and putting your best efforts into it. How so, by bullshitting me at the end of every 5 hour long argumentative discussion saying you agree with me, that I have all the right to feel like I feel, but that this won’t change the nature of your perception on this very matter. You continue to hold your grounds on bringing this person to our lives. It felt like a needle in my chest the other night when you went as far as saying you saw such a good friend in him, he would be the perfect person to take care of you if I am not around. DONT YOU F**KING SEE?!?! That’s what he is trying to do! To take care of you while I’m not around. It’s becoming more evident to me by the past conversations and the consistency of your words that you might indeed want this? WHY?! Am I not good enough to you? I don’t feel like I am, I sure don’t. And don’t even think on the times you “appreciate” me. Appreciation is what I share for the cashier that bagged my groceries properly. Where is all that love, devotion, commitment we profess so much about.
The fact you feel like you have to contend for him, you have NO F**KING IDEA how painful is to hear you say that. I never had nor will have to contend for anyone but you. This is what always set you apart from the world. This is what made you part of my world where no one gets in but only you and me. On the other side of the spectrum, I am having to accept that such privileges are of access to others rather than just me. It doesn’t make me feel special, not one bit. It just reminds me how ordinary I am to you.
The months are passing by and with that, I think my mind is also going by. It feels like I am not who I was. But I was that person for so long that I can still manage to behave like him (who I was). I don’t feel like myself under this skin anymore. Every morning that I wake, just makes me feel undeserving of being alive. I don’t want to be most days and I know how horrible is that, other wish they had the opportunities in life I had. The opportunities we made for ourselves because these just won’t fall on our laps. But I won’t write further about the matter. I feel like I need to put this down on paper just to get it out of my head and yet, another day goes by and I have just as much uncertainty clustering my mind, blurring my vision.