Dear... Those It May Concern
I have wanted to die for 5 years.
We moved from a tiny town in Canada of 2,000 people, to a much larger Australian city of 75,000. While both places had a lot in common, fishing, small mindedness, meth, I felt a shift within myself happen that affected me for the rest of my life. For the first time in my life I had to meet and interact with new people. I had to make friends with people who I hadn't known since I was 5. That, coupled with a budding sense of self-doubt thanks to puberty, and an increased world view thanks to the internet, led to some deep, deep seated self-hatred.
I was bullied in my past town. I was the weird kid. But I entered my new environment with the sense that things would be the same. I was wrong, it was worse.
I first remember wanting to kill myself when I was sitting on the school bus listening to the people behind me laugh. Now I know in my heart that they weren't laughing at me, no one cared that much, but I felt as though the whole world hated me. I wanted to throw myself onto the ground from the window and let the cars smash me to pulp.
My suicidal ideations have always been quite violent. A gun blasting my brains out in an arch of gore, being pummelled to death by a train, a long gory process of digging deep into my wrists to cut my veins. These thoughts have kept me grounded, like a promise that one day it would all be over, even if it took a while,
I spent my younger schooling life believing I wouldn't live past graduation.
I never actively tried to kill myself, but I always just imagined that the universe would refuse to allow me to continue my pathetic tirade any longer,
But now, I am 17.
I have not job, no university opportunities, and no chance of good scores for when I graduate.
I want to die more than ever, I really truly want to die.
I keep trying to feel something, cutting myself and branding myself with words and phrases that remind me of how f***ing pathetic and useless I am.
I am so tired, I am so tired of living and trying, I want it to all stop, I want to be released from my body and float into space, a dust of nothing. I want it to all be over, I want to stop feeling like this, like I’m useless, like I’m nothing. I want to feel again, I just feel so f***ing numb.
I worry that I'll bury myself in the snow and never come out.
I want to sleep.