Dear... Savior
Nothing goes right. Everything is too much. I find myself thinking about ending all of this more and more everyday. I might seem like just a dramatic teenager who just got dumped or something. That's not the case.
Six months ago I found out my dad has cancer. It isn't super serious yet but I'm still scared. All the other relatives seem rather hopeful but he himself isn't. He always talks about how little time he has let with me and my siblings. It is even tougher because my parents have divorced so I don't get to see him that often. But I'm not even sure that I want to.
When I was younger he betrayed me and I lost my trust in him. Before, I wished that I could only meet my mom. But now I'm not too sure. I feel like my dad is trying to guilt me into spending more time with him. But what if he really doesn't recover... ever. I'm so confused about my feelings.
My parents don't get along at all. It is so stressful. They use me as a tool to communicate because I'm the oldest child. My mom says there is more to their relationship than we kids know of but she won't tell what it is. She seems super scared of our father and refuses to be seen by him. But my mom is sick too now. She was admitted to the hospital once but she won't tell us why. She has to take medication now daily. I'm scared that I'll lose her soon too. I think I love my parents but I'm not sure. Maybe I am unable to love anyone. I have been to multiple funerals but I have never cried. Is there something wrong with me?
I sometimes try to bring up how bad I feel but no one takes me seriously. They just say that it will go away and everyone has these feelings. My brother even sometimes tells me to kill myself. And sometimes I want to do it. I haven't even told my friends about my feelings.
I would feel better if I knew that I had a bright future ahead of me and that I really would feel better soon. Unfortunately my future seems nonexistent. I have never had any dreams or passions in life. Even if I grew up, what would I then do? I am managing well enough in school and I was never bullied but why would I continue this when it all leads to nothing.
I go to a different school than my friends. I start feeling lonely quite easily so it has been really hard. I am super close with my sister but she is too busy with her hobbies. I play soccer but I'm not that close with any of my team mates. I only have two friends that I would ever talk to about these things. We have known each other for almost ten years. We are all really similar in a way. All of our parents have divorced. We went to elementary and middle school together. We were all in the same class for nine years. We have the same values in life. But now... I don't know. My other friend is super shy. She doesn't talk to people and I know she doesn't have friends in her new school. I'm worried about her but I have been too busy pitying myself lately.
My other friend is the polar opposite. She is super social and makes friends easily. She knows most of the people in her new school. But I know deep down she has it hard too. She struggles with school and has trouble making decisions. I know her situation isn't the best financially. We are all too busy with school and other things so the last time we met was almost two months ago.
I'm not sure how to finish this letter. I just wish that I felt better and that I didn't hate myself as much. I want to change but I'm not sure how. I want my relationship with my parents to improve. Maybe. I'm not sure. My mom is upset with me right now. I want to talk to her about it but she is too stubborn. I would end it all but I'm too scared...