Dear... Anyone Willing To Read
I’m never living up to my husbands expectations of me. He has some impossible standard in his head where he believes I should be at. I’m just not.
He says our purpose in marriage is to better each other every day. Better each other. Why not love each other for the way we are? Everyone knows they can improve in a variety of areas. People are not perfect and we need more people out there to love everyone for the way they are and not expect them to be better - some people just are the way they are.
No one has the right to judge others and think you are inferior to anyone else. We are all on the same platform. People do what they do and you’re not going to be able to keep that from happening. I’m rambling now..
The reason I’m writing this letter is to avoid hurting myself. There is nothing I want more this very second than to beat my head against a wall, a window, my fists, a rock - anything hard as f**k so I can hurt myself really good. I know there had to be someone out there who understands my deep desire to hurt myself. I’m not afraid of death whatsoever but I’m not going to kill myself. I would like to die.
I’m in a relationship that is sucking. My husband is a hypocrite and knows it. He expects me to do everything around the house even though I work 40+ hours a week and he works maybe 20 a week.. some weeks he works more and some weeks he doesn’t work at all. Doesn’t matter though, I’m supposed to f**king take care of the house even though he’s at home waaay more than I ever am. He also says our marriage isn’t going to work unless I change how I do things. Scares me. I’ve made changes to my behavior and habits and yet this morning I’m told if I don’t change this marriage isn’t going to work. I FAIL. I fail over and over.
I’m sick of being criticized by my husband for almost everything I do. It’s his way or nothing. Even when there are many different ways to do something, there is only one way in his head and it HAS to be done that way. I’m criticized daily by my husband.
My last marriage almost killed me. By me killing myself. The emotional abuse from that bastard was over the top and I f**king prayed for him to lay a hand on me so I could leave him. I felt like the only justification for abuse was physical. Emotional abuse is just as bad or worse in my opinion because there’s no evidence and the abuser can act like a charming person that would never hurt his wife. Bullshit. To any woman or man out there who is being abused emotionally I get you. I understand exactly what you’re feeling. I understand you may feel trapped where you are and suffocated and feel like there is no way out. There is. I know you are stronger than you think and you absolutely do not have to put up with that in love that way. You can leave the situation. There is always somewhere you can go where you will be listened to and believed and understood and you can be safe. If my depressed, anxious ass can do it, anyone can. You will have support no matter what.
Happy 4th of July
Independence Day... funny. I don’t feel free. I feel trapped in a relationship where my husband is never going to appreciate me or respect me. I used to think once I push a kid out someday that he would begin to respect me. I don’t know how accurate that is. I can’t see things changing. I think he’s going to be disappointed by me forever. I am who I am. I can change here and there but I am who I fucking am. Why did you marry me if you don’t want to be with ME?
That’s all. God bless. I hope you are having a better day off than I am.
Xo