Dear... My Best Friend And First Love
Hi there.
I miss you so much. I know I said I wasn’t in love with you anymore, and that still holds true for me, but it didn’t mean I didn’t love you. I do. Immensely. I’m still figuring out where the line is of loving you and being in love with you. I don’t know about that yet. But what I do know is that I’m angry. I’m angry at you for cutting me off the way you did. Like our friendship, that we based our love off of, meant nothing to you to try and work on. I’m angry at you for talking to our friends and about me and being mean to them and telling them you wish I weren’t here. You know how hard I’ve worked. I’m angry at your double standard of not telling me about your girlfriend but getting mad at me for dating someone else. I’m angry about you letting me sleep with you while you were with someone and still not telling me that you’re with her. I’m angry at you for the 16th time of telling me you want to be my friend again and then shutting me out when I finally fall for it again. I’m angry for you claiming that I need the power in this dynamic when you know you hold all of it. I’m angry at myself for giving it to you. I’m angry at myself for being angry at you right now. I know it’s not fair. You’re allowed to be happy without me. I know I’m happy without you.
I look forward to the day where I can finally pick up the phone and send you that funny pun I came up with because I know you’ll be the only one laughing with me. But don’t worry. I’m not waiting for that day. You can have your space. You’ve earned it. I won’t wait for someone anymore. Maybe I’ll be here when you’re ready. Who knows if I’ll be ready. But until then, I’ll keep holding your fin from afar.