Dear... The One That Ran Away
It’s all a facade. I pretend I’m okay but really I’m breaking inside. Every day is a different struggle. Four months gone, and it still hurts like it was yesterday. Why have I not moved on? Why do I still think of you more often than I don’t? Why can I still feel your lips on mine and your strong arms around me?
Maybe it’s because with you, it was magical. Maybe because you became so much more to me than a cute boy I met on a cruise. Maybe it’s because I remember our first night together when we sat on the couch and talked for hours. Maybe it’s because I still think back to the time you told me that my faith inspired you. Maybe it’s because I loved traveling and exploring the east coast with you. Maybe it’s because I shared so many little pieces of me with you, and you embraced it and made my story a part of yours. Maybe it’s because you were the first I gave all of myself to, and I miss the love we shared in those moments. Maybe it’s because I remember dancing around the kitchen on Thanksgiving and smiling so big because I swore I found my forever. Maybe it’s because I remember how happy I was when I told all my friends that I’ve finally found my guy, and he made all the past heartbreaks worth it. Maybe it’s because I never thought you’d leave; I truly never thought you’d leave.
I still have some of your texts saved. The ones about how much you loved me and how you couldn’t wait to live with me. The ones you sent me a week before you broke my heart into a million pieces. You probably don’t remember them, but I do. You told me you missed me so much and wished we could run off to a hotel room together. Little did I know, that dream would never become a reality again.
I still look at the pictures we took. Our smiles were so big. Our love was so strong and so beautiful. I re-run the memories in my mind and try to find red flags I should have picked up on. But they don’t exist. A sudden change of events led you to run without warning. But what bothers me is that it wasn’t really a change of events. What happened was exactly how we planned it. But somewhere along the way, your plans changed. They no longer included me.
I still remember the first phone call. The one where you asked me how I was doing, and I reminded you I couldn’t talk long because I had to go tutor in 30 minutes. You quickly changed tone and dropped a bombshell that would change the course of my life forever. You “weren’t feeling it anymore.” Whoa… back up. I’m sorry what? That was my literal response. You had no explanation to give. I tried to stay cool, calm, and collected. But as soon as we hung up the phone, the flood gates broke. I couldn’t breathe, and I felt more alone than ever. You didn’t want to break up, but I knew you were gone.
Fast forward to two days later when you got up the courage to break up with me for real… on the phone… after refusing to FaceTime. I think we both knew you wouldn’t have been able to look me in the eyes and say goodbye. I knew that phone call would be the last we’d have, at least for a long time… maybe ever… so I wanted to make sure I told you that I would always love you, and you made me a better person. I hope you know I meant every word I said to you that night. I do and will always love you. You opened my eyes to what love really is. You made me smile the biggest I’ve ever smiled and made me feel so whole.
Now, here we are. I thought I would be okay by now. But I’m not. Not in the slightest. I see you moving on. But I’m still here. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish you’d come back. But I think I know deep down that our future isn’t together.
I wonder if I’ll ever see you again. I hope our paths cross down the line, but I also don’t know if I could look at you the same. I really think you will forever be the one that got away.
I hope with time it gets easier. I told myself that since day one.. but it’s been four months, and it hasn’t gotten easier. I wonder if I will ever be able to love again. I worry that you have such a big piece of my heart that I’m not sure if I have any more to give. You took everything from me.
But I can never tell anyone else this. I sit here in my room at 1am. Tears streaming down my face as I write this. This is the heartbreak you read about in books but never understand until you experience it. So I’ll just cry myself to sleep, thinking about what my life should have been… A life with the fairytale happy ending. The one where I’d be getting a cute “i love you” text tonight, and I fall asleep smiling and wishing you were here. I thought that would be our love story. With every ounce of my being. I swore it would be us. But I was wrong. Now I just have to pray and hope that my forever is out there waiting for me. Sometimes I just don’t know anymore… I was so certain it was you.
As the tears dry on my face, I suppose it’s time to go to sleep. I’ll try my best not to cry any more tears tonight. I remind myself that I’m strong, and I’m better off without you. Whatever little lie I can tell myself to fall asleep at night. Then, it’s all back to the facade tomorrow morning until I find myself alone and dreaming of you, trying my best to hold back the tears again.