Dear... Someone I Don’t Know
I can't tell anybody I do know, that's why I'm telling you, stranger.
I'm pregnant.
I thought it was weird that I was experiencing nausea, that was never a period symptom before. Someone joked I was pregnant. Then my husband joked it. And then I got paranoid so I took one of the shitty tests I have. Positive.
I took 3 more in the morning when I had to pee again. All positive. The label said they were expired, and I had to go to work anyway so thought I'd grab some on the way home. I think I knew, though. From that point last night I already knew.
I spent $39.92 on two types of tests, a tub of moose tracks ice cream, and a pack of krispy kreme donuts. Just the glazed kind, they're my favorite. Both tests came out positive. I napped. I'll nap again after I finish my bowl of ramen and submit this letter. I am not ready to face this. I was never ready to face this, nor will I be.
My husband wants a child. We haven't quite talked about if we're keeping it, but we're too young and I could barely handle the puppy we have at first. My body isn't healthy enough for this. My mind isn't healthy enough for this. I'm very frightened. This might lose me my marriage, and I love the man.
He told me before we got married that not having kids was a deal-breaker and at that point I got quiet and just tried to pray that my mind would change. I was hoping we could put this off, but we were irresponsible and ultimately I was asking for this. I just didn't think I was fertile! My ovaries are broken and I thought because my period was almost non-existent then surely that meant pregnancy would be a miracle or only happen through many rounds of IVF.
Why are there so many water chestnuts in this ramen? Ew. I'm going to bed now, so I can put off thinking about this for awhile longer. I'm so scared.