Dear... My First Guy Crush
We've never met.
I notice you regularly from a few tables away in the office cafeteria. You are always there with your friend. It is really strange, isn't it? You are a good-looking guy who probably leads a wonderful life filled with beautiful girls fawning over you, with close friends who adore you, with a family who loves you!
And then there is me, a guy who has a massive crush on you. All my life, I was absolutely sure I was 100% straight. And then I saw you that one time from very far away. And my heart melted. I didn't know at the time, why I felt what I felt, or that I felt it. I just knew there was something there, from my side to you. And I knew for sure there was nothing from your side to me. I am an average looking guy, after all. You are from a rural area, so maybe you don't even know what being gay is.
And if I had to guess, you would fall on the far Straight of the human sexuality spectrum (if one exists)!
But I can't help it. We are in a conservative, third world country. Where I come from, the only answer to homosexuality, bisexuality or LGBT is exile from society, rape or death. And if we are really lucky (NOT), all three. And coupled with me having no friends to talk to, a loving family who I don't want to destroy, I don't know what to do. How do I handle this crush? How do I make it go away?
Fuck me, right? I don't have any real friends, my sexuality is so vague that I can't even figure out the head or tail of it, I have a crush on a guy in my office I barely know and have nothing in common with. If there was a way to meet you, I would. I would love to get to know you. I don't even know who you are. For all I know, you could be a dick. You could be a horrible person. You don't seem like one, you are really quiet and seem to be well-loved. You are miserable at this job, just like I. But I am horribly shy, introverted and in general, alone. So, there does not seem to be anyway we will ever get to talk to each other.
But if I meant to be this person, this free, true person... If you are meant to be mine, if you also somehow (by God's miracle) also feel the same way about me, then we wait. And we let nature takes it course.
Until then, I can only hope for patience. And support. It kills me, but it also helps me to live for another day. It hurts me, but also heals my soul to know I like you. It gives me great pains, and yet, pleasure too. And I hang in the balance, just like my life. Please fade away completely, or obtain complete shape in my life. Don't be just obscure smoke, shapeless and weightless. I know it is selfish, but I have liberty to be selfish here. That's the beauty of it. That's the beauty of you.