Dear... Joshua
Two years we were together. Today, the years that we have been broken up have crossed the years that we were together. You were the first boy I came that close to loving, I might have fallen apart without you. I think.
For some reason I know it wasn't you but me at fault in our relationship. Maybe I was cautious because I was young, maybe I was careful because of what the world would think about me. Maybe I just don't want to disappoint my parents who looked at me as their perfect daughter.
I know my behaviour towards you was hot and cold. I know whatever I did to drive you away must have hurt you. I broke up with you twice before you said it was enough and let go of me and never looked back. I know I was the toxic one in the relationship. I want to just say to you - I'm sorry. I'm sorry to the extent that even those words are not enough to express it.
I know I never even got you a birthday present and you got me one. But I swear it was not because I didn't care for you. I just lived on my parents money and didn’t think it was right to gift you something that wasn't earned by me. I feel guilty to this day about that.
You took care of me, understood me, believed in me like no one ever did. The time I spent with you was beautiful. A memory I will always cherish. But every time I became someone I'm not it seemed like you never noticed. The hugs that I gave you felt like you were only hugging me because I asked you and made it a ritual of sorts.
When you held me I felt like I was the only one holding on. And to you. If you lost me it would matter. I threw fits, cried alone and called you, ignored you, broke up with you, made up with you, treated you like I didn't care about you. I think I did all that to get a reaction out of you. To see if you really cared if I was there or not. But it seemed like you didn’t. That it didn’t matter to you whether I was in your life or not.
Or maybe I'm being selfish here. Maybe you meant everything in the right way and I just overthought it.
You know why I always looked back at you after a class ended? Searching for you in the classroom? You must have found it weird when I did that, I'm sure. It was to make sure that you were really there. That you were really there when I turned around. I wondered if you would always be there when I looked back. Because I know myself. I always run away and hide, but that time I hid again and you never looked for me.
That was not your fault, but the fault of my self esteem and my selfishness of always being my parents’ little girl. But let me just rant everything out at once and I might feel a little better. I know you are never going to read this but I always wanted to tell you these things.
I guess I just wanted you to get angry when I broke up with you. Not understand me. I guess I just wanted you to tell me, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think you can give such stupid reasons and leave me? Come up with something solid and then we'll see". When I tried cooking in your house, it wasn't because I was trying to show off my talent or anything, it was because I wanted to make something for you.
I could never repay your generosity with gifts and that is why I filled your form to get selected in the short program of an ivy League college. I wanted to give you an experience that money could not buy. When I held you tight for too long or when I did silly antics and made sure I told you I did them when you were absent in school, it was because I missed you.
But at one point you threw it back in my face when I got you into the program saying you never wanted it. When I was eager to do the project with the group I was assigned, you told me that I did it because I saw another guy and was eager to meet him. When you guys laughed at me when I tried to make food for you. And in the trip when we went to C city, you told me that being kind and thoughtful and helpful to other people to an extended extent was wrong. Especially when I let others go ahead in line for food because no one was letting them go, you yelled at me for not making sure we got our food first because you were hungry.
It hurt me. It hurt me more that you can imagine. I lost my self confidence, the way I feel about being a good person, the pride I had in being a loyal girl. It made me question myself and what were the things that my parents taught me as I grew up. Do you know, even though you thought that my anger with these things was gone and were easy and enjoyed your time with friends, I was crying. When, in the morning, you don't even try to talk to me after the fight when we sat on the bus, I was hurt. And slowly I left you finger by finger, inch by inch, mile by mile. Because It seemed you liked the image I had created for people, the girl I was in front of everyone but not me. Not my ethics, principles, the girl I was.
When you blamed me for never sharing my notes with you, I wanted to tell you that when I never took any how would I share them with you? When I, myself, copied from you, how would I have more material than you? It felt like you were blaming me for failing your classes. I had never been a good teacher so I didn't try to teach you because I was scared you would fail and it was our only attempt. You didn't pay any attention to what I was saying.
When you blamed me for not making you register for an exam I was giving, you forgot that I kept telling you but you said you don't need it and that your dad was doing things to get you into college. That hurt me. It felt like I didn't want you to succeed and that hurt me. It made me hate myself. I don't know what to do. To interfere or not, to do something or not.
Then I ran and hid again. This time with my emotions as well. I became a wall that did not care for anything. No matter what you did in life I just reacted like a bystander because I was already lightyears away. Where nothing you said could shake me.
So when you broke up with me, I didn't shake, I didn't bend. I didn't care. I took it well. Because I knew this would happen. And I knew it was because of me not being there for you. And maybe I never had been. Maybe I was selfish in wanting your attention. Maybe in my want for you to chase me, I ignored you too much.
And maybe in my guilt of thinking that the reason behind you breaking up with your first girlfriend and you still defending her after we got together, made me think it was an inevitable end. And maybe I never invested myself completely because of that. Or maybe I was just not right for you.
But I guess romanticising the world does not really work in real life huh? When I look back I see. What a dumb ass weirdo I was. I remember when we broke up you told me you would not be able to take another relationship.
Please don't let a toxic person like me ruin relationships for you. Who even in this letter is complaining about the wrong things? I hope you get a girl that can love you for everything you are and help you reach the greatest heights in life.
And I'm going to stop remembering you. I can't think of you everyday anymore. I'm going to be a better person in life. But I will never see you again. I'm leaving you behind with this letter as the last goodbye. I know the excuses I made sound stupid. I know you will never read this. I hope you will never read this.
If I ruined something in your life, I'm sorry. Really sorry. But you will never see me touch your life again.
Live well, healthy, happy, hail and hearty. My best wishes are always with you.