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The Man I Feel I Will Always Love

Dear... The Man I Feel I Will Always Love

 

Hello.

You were hurtful. Yes, but you were hurting. And that's what hurt people do. That's why I didn't want you anymore.

But I was hurting. And because you never said it, I wouldn't know: Was I hurtful? That's what hurt people do. That's why you didn't want me around anymore.

We split, strangely. We agreed, without even saying it. We were done with each other. The conversation hadn't even really came to a close but we knew. And that's alright.

And when I look back on our other conversations, I find that you were right, all along. The advice you gave me... it was so personal. I cannot believe that another human being really cared about me that much. You gave me the advice only those who truly love me gave me. It touches my heart. I know I didn't listen at the time. But when you told me to focus on myself... I just didn't listen. I wanted something I couldn't get. But you were right. I'm finally seeing, maybe, what you meant to say.

Thank you. Maybe I will never understand why you did it. But somehow, I can say for sure now that you really cared about me. I don't know how, I don't know why. Maybe you didn't care in the way where you wanted me to be your lover - I know that. That wasn't how you saw me. It wasn't a personal care to you. I was not your goal, I was not your conquest. You didn't want me.

But you cared for my well being. That is the thing that touches me the most. No matter how angry I can get with you, or how much I grieve something I wanted but could never have... what I remember most is that you cared for me. Things nobody could tell me, things only my own mother would dare to say: You told me. I still don't get how someone so immature as you, who has no idea where their life is going, could have every idea where mine was. How you could see what I needed so clearly when I couldn't see it for myself? How could you see so clearly what I needed when you had no idea what you needed?

I wish I helped you the way you helped me. Maybe I did. I wonder if you can look back and see that same genuineness from my end. Did I tell you what you needed to know? As intelligent as I am, I couldn't possibly see what was best for myself. But I thought I saw what was best for you. Do you feel like me? Do look back and think: Huh, she was right. She was telling me that all along and I didn't realize it. I didn't focus on it. I didn't listen. How did she know me so well?

Maybe not. Maybe it is just you, who seems to mysteriously care and support me but deny it entirely. I don't know, Justin.

But I guess... I guess I felt much closer to you than I realized. You really were what I wanted. Someone to BE THERE for me. I was always angry, I thought you were never there. But you were. You'll never be ALL of what I want. I don't even know what I want. And I'm glad I don't. Because I am not ready at all. I guess what I mean to say is that I took you for granted. Or rather, after calming down some, I realize you weren't all that bad. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have left. Because I left for me, and you left for you.

Thank you. I will never forget your kindness. You've always been a friend. And really, you were more than a friend. You were somebody who reflected me. You were somebody who, even with differing opinions and whatnot, was there. What I wanted most: a caring presence, who I'm so close and comfortable with. That side of you will always be appreciated by me. Its something I really strive to find again. That experience with you was very wonderful.

Thank you so much.

From… Donut