Dear... Self
I just feel the need to tell you how much is going on right now. Everything seems dim. I feel that I need to get back up but I can’t. I keep on thinking and thinking. I shut myself off to my friends. I don’t know how I was able to wake up today, because I hope of dying, every night. Funny thing is, I diagnosed myself with dying. I only hope of dying, I don't even understand why. I kept on telling myself I need to move forward, that I need to keep on fighting but every time that I find hope in something, the world has a creative way of telling me how I should just stay wherever I am. I feel helpless inside. I feel like asking for help but I can’t. I just want to get my old self back, but it's too late now. I have been defeated several times in the past but none of those matter anymore because when you feel like death is coming to you, you can’t escape it. I can’t escape it.
But I keep on remembering my dogs. They kept me alive for the past few months, you know. I have been like this for the past 2 months, yet they are still there. When I'm coming home, they will wiggle their tails and look into my eyes as if they have been waiting for me all their life. I have never felt that kind of wanted, or missed. They have become my reason for breathing you know. I owe it a lot to them why I was able to write this letter to you.
I hope you no longer feel helpless, I hope someday you will find the time to seek what really matters to you and to fight with a brave heart the things that the world throws at you. I hope that you will no longer shed your tears in the dark, and that you'll find the courage to find life - however you define it. I hope I can see you someday with your dreams and the prayers of today becoming your reality. I can not promise you that I'll take care of myself at times like this, but I hope I make you proud today because it’s another day that I was able to save myself from pain. You know, it never fades, even when I shed tons of tears at night or when I'm alone, or even when I just reminisce about what could have been. I was the one to blame though, and I know I needed to accept that sooner.
I just hope that when you read this letter, you will find a reason to continue. It's hard to get back up, but it will be harder to sustain and continue fighting. If you ever feel helpless someday, and I know you will, I just hope you read this letter and that you'll find yourself wanting to persist. Again. Again and again no matter how many times for whatever reasons. Be well. Continue to seek reasons for breathing. Never trust anybody, even yourself.