Dear... Justin
I don't know if it’s because I devalue myself around you, but I've always felt extremely under-appreciated by you. Maybe it’s because you were my first love, so I automatically felt like you didn't value all the little things about me because I mentally sabotaged myself every time I presented them - I was ashamed to be me. I could never say with a clear face, "Hey, I made this for you. I want you to have it, I hope you like it, you deserve it." I may have reflected my self-doubt onto you, thinking you doubted me and looked down upon me, when in reality I looked down upon myself.
But even still, sometimes I think that can't be the full story. You see, you've told me plenty of times you feel nothing for me. You have your reservations for other girls, you've practically divided yourself up among all of them. How can I get your undivided attention if its literally divided?
You'll never appreciate me for me. You're so obvious, I know exactly what kind of girls you like. I knew you liked artists. I knew that you liked that pink-haired hacker girl sticker. I actually started using it a lot because I felt like you liked girls like her. Anyway, what I'm saying is that I'd never really tell you what kinds of things I like to create because I know you'd never appreciate them for me. You want a girl who has a certain set of characteristics to satisfy what YOUR idea of a perfect woman is [for you]. You want her to be exactly one way, and if you can't get that you use other girls to fill those niches. No wonder you've had over 26 girlfriends; you think you can re-hash and re-invent until you find your perfect woman. Well I'm not like them. And they are not like each other. We are each individuals and you must choose to love a woman whole, instead of piecing her up. You can't get the perfect woman, you have to appreciate the sides of her that you weren't expecting - you can't love a being whole if you're constantly policing what she should be like to you.
I don't want to be appreciated because I'm like those other girls. I am somewhat of an artist but if I ever told you that you'd likely only want me because of that; you won't see it as a part of me. Only something that can fill a part of you.
But I think I found someone who really appreciates me. It might not be something I'll need forever, but I've never felt this appreciated in my whole life. Someone who asks about what I'm doing, who remembers what I say, who's concerned for me, excited for me, interested in me.
I don't want to give you those videos of me because you "don't mind." Why would I give such an important piece of myself to someone who barely wants it? Who only "doesn't mind" it, but won't fully appreciate it, or desire it, or want it?
I am sure you never said it, so I'm not trying to blame you by writing this, only stating something I now believe to be true: you don't deserve me. Someone who appreciates me whole deserves the pieces of me I offer. My body, my company, my laugh, my smile, my art, my gifts, my help, and all the other quirky and unique things about me.
I never once felt appreciated by you. Loved? Yes, I did feel loved. But not appreciated. Even if you didn't love me, I still felt loved. But love isn't enough. At least, THAT love. At the end of the day, that love is so tiny and insignificant compared to what some other good, deserving man can give me. Sometimes I wonder if it was as half-baked as all the other loves in my life have been.
And truthfully, it was. Again, I know you don't love me, but that attraction and care I felt from you - I know it was there. But it was not enough. You are still in love with her, she's your best friend, I guess, and though I will sometimes wonder why you'd forget about her in the presence of me, I see it’s because no guy can fully focus on two girls. When you're with me, you'll temporarily forget about her. When you're with her, you'll forget all about me.
I don't know, Justin. Some things, I have left unanswered. But I kind of don't care. I'm ready to take my chances with someone else! Even if it goes nowhere, my heart is filled with happiness and gratitude that he appreciates me in a way I should have always been appreciated! I am not scared to love and appreciate myself because people like him make me believe I really am worth a lot.
And it did start with me. I had to treat myself like I was worth a lot before anyone else could. I would never have been able to open myself up enough to even BE appreciated if it wasn't for the work I had done on myself.
Good luck with your sad, sorry, half-baked love life. I am pretty upset with you right now. I used to love you and give you chances in my head - never insult you, never call you weak, never say you don't try hard enough but that you simply needed time. I used to interpret you as more benevolent and think of you as a guy who was just lost and hurt.
But now I just don't care. You are not worth my time.
See ya.