Dear... You, KM
I am trying to forget, and move on. I am grateful that I met you, you are an amazing person, and I am too. You made me feel alive, and I have never felt this for anybody. I didn’t know that I could feel this, which is frightening me and making me sad, but at the same time, makes me feel that I am capable of love, and the ability to give, and feel this level of interest for other human being. It is amazing (not now, though).
I know what love is now, and I am so grateful for that. You were my first boyfriend, and my first relationship, really. I lied to you when you asked me if I’d had previous relationships, and no, I’ve never had a boyfriend or girlfriend; you were my first, and that is what hurts so much. I always closed myself to feel and to date, and you were the first. I know it sounds pathetic, but at the same time it is sweet. When I was watching the 40 Year Old Virgin (the movie) I identified with that guy. Now, I don’t anymore! Thanks for that. I am so disappointed in the way that I behaved, and the way I treated us. I regret not telling you how much I love you and care about you, for being afraid of the future, of the commitment, and to be in that app, that fucking app. So many things that I said I regret, really it was not me, it was the person that I wanted to be and look like, and now I understand that I was an asshole. I was trying to cope with something that I didn’t know was feeling. I am grateful though that I learned from that, I am not that person, never have been, and am ashamed that I was with you. I was trying to protect myself and ended up hurting you, and me, a lot me.
I am really great, and I really love you. It is a strong word, but, it completely fits what I feel. It is hard to move on, but I will succeed. I accept this is over, and you have your life, and I have mine. Great things await for me, and I can’t hold myself and the future for this.
I really wish you the best, and I really wish me the best. I am an awesome person that, as always, tries so hard to meet expectations, and tries to live in the moment so intensely, that sometimes I forget my surroundings. Not anymore. You allow me to grow, and to be more earthly, more human, more focussed. Thank you, thank so much KM, it really hurt me to let you go, but I must.
Good bye, really good bye. Be happy, I am and will be.
Good bye KM.