Dear... Me
I wanted to share my life story that I have never shared with anyone before. I have a terrible and tragic past.
I was born in Seville, Spain. My mother was a Spanish woman and married my father who was from a poor Asian country. My father was studying in Spain when he met my mother and they married after 1 year of dating. My father’s family were very shocked by that news and they stopped contacting my father.
After I was born, my father took us to his home country hoping it would change their mind. But his family didn’t let my mom and me inside the house. I knew about it all from a letter from my mother. When they got back my father was very upset and this lead to them having fights every now and then.
My mother was an orphan who had no idea about her family and was brought up in an orphanage. She used to dance in a bar and was also engaged in hookery which she hid from my father. Even after the marriage she kept up that job, and when my father came to know this, they had a huge fight and my father divorced my mother. My mom won my custody but she left me in the orphanage where she was brought up in, as she didn’t want to raise me up. She didn’t leave my custody to my father because she thought he would not raise me well.
I was left at the orphanage at the age of four. My mother sent me letters every 4/5 months describing why she did what she did and what a scumbag my father was. She told me never to contact my father, and didn’t provide me any information either. I was only a kid and didn’t understand anything properly, but I knew that I wanted to see her. I wrote her everyday to take me with her, but she never did. She never even visited me. At the age of 8 my mother stopped writing to me & that’s how she vanished from my life.
I got adopted at the age of 11 from a family who lived in Portugal. They were an old couple and 3 of her children lived abroad. So they adopted me.
My new life in Lagos, Portugal started. I got admitted into middle school and was doing good. I could not be happier.
And then a strange thing happened. I was being abused by my foster father every night. It started when I was 12. I knew whatever is happening is not right and I tried to stop it from happening but I didn’t know what to do.
In the meantime a lot happened and I flew away from the home. I ended up in Paris. Some older kids from high school were going for a trip there and I joined them with the stolen money from my foster family. Somehow I ended up meeting a guy in a bar who offered me a modelling job. I went with him & he told me if I can complete a task, he will give me a lot of money & make me a model. I was running out of money and I was eager to do any kind of jobs. I was told to escort an old man to a hotel. I did, and he demanded physical contact which I refused at first but agreed when he offered me money. I ended up escorting a lot of old rich diplomats and important people with higher rank. And if I slept with them, I got a good amount of money. I did that for 1 year, and when I had enough money I decided to run away.
I had no idea where to go. I remembered my foster mother, she was very kind to me. She took care of me as her own child. I wanted to see her, so I went back to Lagos. I called her and told her I wanted to meet her. She was very surprised and immediately agreed to meet me. She hugged me and said why did I do that? I finally told her everything about her husband. She was furious to know about it all and even filed a case of sexual harassment against her own husband. They were soon separated and I started my life at Lagos again.
I got into middle school and high school. Those 4 years of my life were the best. I was appreciated, loved and my academics were great. Just after I finished high school my foster mother died in a road accident while crossing the road. I was also in the accident with her but my life was saved. I was in the ICU for 2 days but I recovered. I was recovering from the shock of losing the only person who loved me and I was also physically injured. But a greater shock to me was that her children and her husband got all the property and money she owned which led me to the streets once again.
I was devastated from everything I was going through. I had no place to go, no-one else loved me, no-one cared about me. The only one who did died. Everything was overwhelming. I had some of the money left from Paris. But what can I do with that ?
I thought of going back to Paris doing what I was doing, but it made me feel sick. I was lying in a hospital bed all day, people would come to visit others, but no-one came for me. I never had any friends because I never tried to befriend anyone in school since I knew if they came to know about my past, they would resent me. I tried thinking of finishing my life because it seemed like god himself never wanted me to survive. He took away the few people I had from me, and everything I had.
Then I thought of investing my academics for a better cause. I always wanted to go to college. I remember how it felt to learn something. I had good grades so maybe I could get into a college. I applied to some colleges around Europe including my home Spain from my hospital bed. I also wrote a letter describing briefly about my misfortune pledging for a tuition waver. I had no hope. But the magic happened. To my utter surprise I got accepted into a renowned university in Segovia, Spain. They even offered me a little fellowship and waivered in my tuition fees. That was probably the first big achievement in my life. I decided to give it my best. I had no-one to share that joy with. So I brought a cake written “Congratulations. I’m proud of you.” But from that day I never looked back.
I moved to Segovia and my new life started. I worked 3 shifts in a nearby cafeteria, attended all of my classes, worked my ass off to keep those scholarships coming and what not. I didn’t sleep in a bed, because buying a bed was too costly for me. I slept on the floor in a duvet. My apartment was so tiny I hardly had any space. But I never thought of moving to a bigger apartment. Even when I got enough money I kept pushing myself to stay within my limits.
I made some friends during group projects. But I kept all my life story a secret. They know I was brought up by a foster family, but no-one knows the journey of my life. The things I did for surviving. Surviving in this world is pretty hard on your own. Especially for a kid with no parents. I was lucky I got a family for 4 years and I got a mother for 4 years. Those 4 years were my strength for my whole life.
I see little kids visiting parks holding hands with their parents, I sigh. I see people dating and having fun, I sigh. And then I go back to the tiny dark apartment of mine with no-one waiting for me.
Now my final exam of the university is over. I’m lying on my duvet and thinking what now? There was a guy in my class from a rich family, we teamed up for a project for a time being. He asked me out recently. I couldn’t say yes, I see the resentment in his eyes, when he will know me.
I went back to the orphanage recently. A lady there knew my mom. She passed away the previous year. So she spent 13 years of her life without any interest to know where I was, what I was doing. Overwhelming isn’t it?
The more interesting thing is that I am still saddened by the thought of her death. I guess deep down I had some thoughts of a dramatic mother daughter reunion someday. Where she will cry and beg me to forgive, tell her part of the story, and in order to get a mother, within a blink of an eye I will forgive her.
Now there is none to forgive, she is long gone. There’s no more story of her in this world of living. I have literally no-one. Except my dad. I found his address from the same lady who knew my mom. He lives nearby. He is a professor at a college and is living happily with two kids. I never had the courage to go there and ruin his life. If I go to him with my past, he will abandon me just the way that he did to my mom. He will probably think she is just like her mom! A slut, a hooker!
So, happy people with homes remain in this world. A guy who wanted to go on a date with me without knowing who I was. A person who gave birth to me but has no idea who I am. And I lie here with my graduation coming soon with none to share this joy with.
In all my life, I never wanted to be a burden to anyone. I never wanted to latch my terrible past to anyone’s destiny. I was very cautious. But for just once I want to be with someone who will love me back. Some who will not abandon me. Who will not leave me alone...
But in this world it’s a lot to ask from someone. Don’t worry I will not. I survived this far without anyone, I will survive the rest of my life. When I have earned enough I will adopt kids and give them a home like my mother. I will not turn out as my birth mother. My foster mother showed me you don’t have to give birth to be a mother. I will be a wonderful mother. I too will have a family, a home to go back too. My kids will love me for who I am, won’t they?