Dear... The One I Love Alone
Do you remember me? Do you care? Do I make any difference in your world at all?
Because every time I think about my life I think about you.
You must be laughing at me losing my mind every time I see you.
Or you might be cringing inside every time you need to meet me too.
I tell myself, "Let it go, he is out of your league, you need to settle for someone else."
"You will never have a place beside him, so move on, make yourself amazing the only way you can be."
But every time I think about you I shatter. My reflection seems uglier, my voice seems to hurt my ears, my body seems to disgust me.
And my mind, forget about that, with what I tell it everyday, it would kill me.
I feel not enough, I feel like I’m just a piece of rusted metal of an old vessel, while you are that new and shiny rice cooker that the family bought.
I tried to match up to you. Three years. Three years I lost to my depiction of being the perfect girl by your side.
Three years I spent doing things I’m horrible at, trying to get the best results to be the best one for you.
I seem like an obsessed fool, don't I?
So this January I decided to give up. I gave it my last ditched effort and I said I’m through.
Im gonna be mature and let you go.
Let you live a life with someone else and live my life with as much energy and vigor as i can.
I gave up everything old and became a new me.
But why, with just one sentence from you did I feel like shit again?
Why did I try to lie and look cool to you again?
Why did I get so excited when I met you again?
And why do I, and everyone around me, put me down when we are in the same room again?
I tried to let it go. Tried to act nonchalant, like it does not affect me. But do you know how much it hurts? Its hurts so bad that I decided to make a new me again.
I became a girl who I’m not again, so people think I’m not worthless.
I’m not blaming you for being so good in everything you do, nor am I despising you. Okay, maybe I am a little. But please, don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not your fault I feel like this.
But in the pursuit of you I have lost myself. Maybe I lost myself a long time ago, even before you came along. But now, I don’t feel like myself anymore.
I want to go back to being the girl that could do anything without overthinking it. To a woman who could take on anyone and stand with the resilience that no matter what you say, this is me; I am who I am.
I love you. I do, with all the life in me. But I might not remain alive anymore if I keep doing this.
I never told you this: not that I love you, not that you have become my poison. And I’m never going to.
So don’t worry. I’m done crying, yelling, and trying to be the perfect girl.
I’m a shattered mirror, I need time to put my pieces back together. But I know I won’t be the same, and a broken mirror has no place next to you.
So I’m continuing being my imperfect self and leaving you in your realm of greatness.
I should have known we were never a match to begin with.
I’m sorry. I hope you miss me. But I wo'n’t waste my life on it anymore.
It was amazing knowing you.
But now I say, goodbye. For I’m going far away, so far I don’t think you will ever be able to reach out to me even if you want to.