Dear... Take Note Him
Dear future him,
I’ve thought about this moment for a long time. And I’ve thought about how I would approach this situation. To protect myself, my feelings and my mental health, I think I want to find out where we stand with regards to each other before we meet up.
I want to hear from you if it is even worth my patience and energy re-establishing contact and moving forward with any discussion about you and about our relationship in the future.
I want to know if it is worth my time if you’re unchanged and are still the same person who disappointed me last year. The Ambriel who was messy, complicated, difficult, confusing, selfishly unjust, toxic and disappointing.
Simply, I just don’t want to open myself up for disappointment if you haven’t cleaned up your act, even though I expect it – the disappointment…
And truthfully I don’t want to open up my feelings and be emotionally vulnerable to that. I don’t want to meet someone who is still messy. Whether or not there is the intention for a romantic proposal, I’d just rather not meet a person who is still toxic. You know about everything that broke my heart and disappointed me last year. You know why we broke up the first time, and cut contact the second time. Re-read the notes I wrote and think about everything that had been discussed. You know me. The feelings are still there for me. Slight and subtle, but I don’t want to reignite them. And seeing you again and talking to you again will do that.
Remember when I told you last year that it was just all bad timing? Well, if not now, when? When is it ever going to be a good time? If not “when”, is it ever going to be good timing? Then I dreadfully realised, maybe it’s not to do with bad timing. Maybe it’s because there are fundamental character incompatibilities that aren’t a matter of circumstance but “that’s just how it is.”
I’m scared if I meet you again, I’ll be disappointed. I said that people change so much in 6 months, and that’s true. But it is a known fact that people don’t necessarily change for you and how you want things to be. A lot of things can change in 6 months, but a lot of things can remain the same. Even though the mess of the past may be eliminated, I’m scared you changed for the worse and have a different set of mess and baggage to deal with.
Remember when I said that you were a lost cause to me? It’s because I was upset and didn’t really see you taking yourself seriously and making the sensible decisions to sort out yourself. Even though you said you were, I was filled with too much cynicism. And I’m happy to keep it at that if it’s the same.
People say, “if it’s meant to be it will happen”. I agree to a certain degree, but only if both parties are willing to fight for it to make it happen. And last year, I did that so hard. I was trying to be my absolute best to prove myself. But I realise it’s not me who needs to prove anything: it’s you. And I cried so much for you. I don’t want to go through all of that a third time. I don’t deserve it. I’m a simple boy who wants to find the little normalcy and stability in my crazy life.
And frankly, I think I’d rather lamentably live in the past if it means not moving forward in the future. I’d rather reminisce in the past in that brief period when I was completely naïve, oblivious and blind. When I had my rose-tinted glasses on. When I smiled without a care in the world and wasn’t hurt. Remember those times? I’m still stuck in that fantasy of the could-haves and the would-haves. The old you before it all suddenly turned nasty. I’m still stuck in that fantasy.
It’s the 15th of September as I’m writing this and I don’t know what to expect of the future, I think about you without fail every single day and yearn for the could-haves and the would-haves, and I have so much to say… but if I expect disappointment then I’d rather just leave you behind for good.
So my question is, I ask you to evaluate yourself introspectively. Please tell me fairly and honestly in a simple sentence: are you worth my time?