Dear... Future Lover
It’s me who's been lost, dated around, and didn't know what she was doing. It’s me who has (probably by the time I meet you) slept around and been confused about what it all means. It’s me who has this past, who has this complex, who's been seen by other men but could never stay with one.
I guess I may be a little jealous of - no, not jealous, rather, afraid to be compared to - those other girls who have had just one man for life.
I love me, and I carry me around wherever I go, no matter how many men I've seen or slept with. I'm not mad at myself for it - I'm just upset if others compare me. But I don't care to compare myself. I just want to be loved for who I am, for all the experiences that made me me, even if you don't know them all, you don't need to. These experiences now reflect on my person. You can see the result of them (which is me) without having to ever trace back where the results came from.
And if you can't love that then you can't love me.
I really, truly just want a man who loves me as much as I love myself. And if you can't love me for all the mishaps I am, that make me ME, then you don't love me wholly. You don't love me at all.
One day, I really hope I find the one.
I think I've never been loved in my life. That must be why I assume a man will immediately judge me for who I am. I never had someone just love me - not family - no one. Except you, F (my sister). I wish someone could love me like you do! But I also recognize our love is entirely unique, as is the case with sisters. To be honest, I don't need someone to love all the intricacies that make me me, that's for me and God to know. I just want a man who generally loves me. It’s hard to imagine that such a thing is possible. Ok, now I'm done talking to F and again talking to my Future Lover.
But I'm hoping I can find the one. I think love is easy. It doesn't have to be so difficult. I can find someone who is willing to commit to me. What a privilege it is to be thought of so highly that someone sees me as worth committing to? Maybe I don't need to be insanely head over heels for them. I'd fall in love with the idea that he's a good man who sees me as a good woman. If he's good enough, I'll love him. Just like he may love me, because I'm good enough.
We're past the stage of young love, everyone's already probably had and failed their first love, if they're around my age. That's ok. We've tried and failed, the both of us. And if we haven't, and I'm your first, you'll love me for being different to you, and I'll see myself as worthy enough that it matters not whether I had been 'dirtied' by other men before you. I can't keep viewing myself as lowly because I know you won't see me that way. I, at least, have that much faith in myself.
Whatever and whoever you are, thanks for valuing me, future lover. May we meet eventually.
P.S. - You're the best!