Dear... All My Boys
It's strange. You have such power over me. Why do I feel like I need someone? Probably bad self-esteem, but I don't know where it comes from. I have no reason to feel bad about myself. I keep searching my worth in my relationships with you. I know it's stupid and unhealthy but I still desperately want a man to hold me, softly kiss my forehead and tell me I'm his world.
You, all my boys, has one after another crushed me, left me more and more desperate, more and more vulnerable and now I'm just lost.
First it was you, E. I was so young so naive. You were my world, I opened up to you I gave you my heart. No one will ever get all of my heart again, at least you taught me that lesson. I gave you all my heart and you threw it on the ground. Returning it shattered. You left town without even telling me. You really had me thinking you cared. We were meant for each other, it was perfect. You were just not willing to try. It took years to heal my heart after that. I had my first real boyfriend. I used him to heal from you. He was so sweet, he didn't deserve a wreck like me. The heartache I left him in I also blame on you.
Then it's you, O. You made me realize I could fall in love again, and also that I could enjoy sex. I thank you so much for that. You are so beautiful, you're smart and I gave away my heart again. This time I saved a little piece for me but not big enough, because not only did you throw my heart on the ground, you stomped on it. And just to make sure you really humiliated me, you spat on it before you left me crying on the ground, trying to sweep up the pieces. "I don't want to keep seeing you, I slept with someone else." Why did you have to f**king say that. Couldn't you just break up like a normal person? I hate you so much not only for the way you ended it but also because you dragged me on for so long, feeding me grains of hope so I wouldn't leave you even though you were treating me like garbage the rest of the time. I was nothing but a sextoy for you and it still hurts me to my core.
And then you came, H. We had a short run. You were nice and sweet. But of course you had a girlfriend, on the other side of the ocean, but still. I tried to make it something. I needed someone to tell me I'm worth at least trying, but no. You went back to your girlfriend. You're a good guy, I get it. But it still hurts that I wasn't the chosen one.
I got so desperate I even got on Tinder. The only one I met up with turned out to be the sweetest guy. I wasn’t attracted nor interested but I would do anything for the appreciation and I ended up dating him for months. Thank god he was leaving the country because I really didn't want to break his heart too.
And then there is you, B. Once again I fell in love. I'm starting to get sick and tired of it. It was just like when I was young. I could feel my heart stop when you smiled at me. This bubbly feeling in my arms when we were looking at each other. But I said I wouldn't act on it because you had a girlfriend. But every time we were drunk together things started escalating. Until that night when we slept in the same bed next to one another. You claim you don't remember much, just that we kissed. It was much more than a kiss. It was an amazing night. You confessed your love to me and we were so close, so close. I told you I couldn't stay friends after that because I didn't want to ruin your relationship. I naively hoped you would protest, that you would rate, if not our love at least our friendship, higher than that. But no, you didn't want anything to risk your current relationship. And once again I wasn't the chosen one.
I got so desperate for confirmation, that I slept with you, N. And you wouldn't even look at me afterwards even though we see each other every day. I knew you weren't a keeper but that you were that shitty was a surprise. You really make me think that I'm repulsive. Am I? Honestly I'm starting to really believe it.
And now we're at you, M. I just wanted to have sex. I just wanted to feel some closeness. You were my friend so I knew you were a nice guy. I needed safe sex with a good guy who I wasn't in love with. It had worked before so why not now? It was surprisingly good though. And you were much cooler and sweeter than I thought. It's still not that overwhelming feeling of being in love but I really think I could love you in the long run. And you're attractive and I really enjoy your company. But you are going to choose a life without me. Not for another woman but for the adventure. You are going to the other side of the world and you know I can't follow. I won't be enough to keep you here. I know now that I'm not enough to keep anyone here. I'm starting to realize that, no one is going to love me enough.
I will probably keep getting my heart broken. My list of boys will grow. I will get more and more desperate and that will make me less and less attractive and no one is gonna want to stay.
Why do I need you? Why do I let you define me?
I wish I knew the answer, then maybe I could change.