Dear... Husband
Today it became clear. We shouldn’t have a baby. We’ve battled the what if’s - the should we or shouldn’t we. For some reason, it was the only thing playing in my mind during our fight today. A fight that had nothing to do with this but somehow gave me my answer.
I didn’t think I would be this upset about it. I’m the one that fought the idea of motherhood the most. But in that moment of clarity, I have never felt so heartbroken. I think it’s because I could see an end.
I know you think my tears were because of that fight. That I was hurt by your words, but they had nothing to do with it. I was crying over the final answer in my head - we shouldn’t have a baby. A baby would be our end. It would tear apart the threads holding us together. I would resent you.
I’m going to wait a few days and this hide things we’ve been saving for this baby that should never be. I don’t want them anymore. I don’t want to see them. I know we’ll have to have to face this answer soon. We said this year we would start trying. I dread telling you what I saw in my head today. I don’t want it to be this way. I wish I didn’t hear that answer, but there’s no changing it. We can’t have a baby.