Dear... Boyfriend
I’ve been thinking a lot about us. I don’t really know how to forgive what’s been done here. You’re right, I am too nice. At my own expense. When I reflect on our relationship all I can see is weakness. And that’s not me, that’s never been me. I forgave what I shouldn’t have, I’ve let you get away with more than what’s okay. You’ve been a bad influence, you’ve cheated, you’ve taken things that aren’t my fault out on me, you’ve been unfair. And I’m special, I shouldn’t have to tell you that, but I truly am. I’m supportive and kind and I’m smart. I’m unusual. Rare. And you don’t really treat me that way.
I would love to spin out about her and all the things I hate about the way you deal, and how stupid it is that I should suffer insecurity because of a dumb bitch that I could find 30 of on any block of any city in the world, but what would that achieve? You hurt me, you changed me for the worse. You’ve made me look like an idiot in front of my friends and family. People have lost respect for me over us. I don’t feel special to you. Sometimes when I’m around you I don’t feel like anyone at all. What a shame that is. What a waste of my life, of my originality to feel that way. So far, all I have to show for this is a coke addiction.
There are parts of you that have made me feel good. But that isn’t enough. There are complete people that are good for me, I deserve and need more than shards of someone that I have to dress up and glue together.
Everything was better in the summer. And you truly did ruin everything. Irreparable damage. I wish I was a person that could move on from this, but I’m not. I’m not sure if I will ever be someone that can forgive something this big. Genuinely. I feel trapped in this relationship. Not sure on which side of the line I belong. My own personal purgatory, I suppose, of my own making. Very well suited to me though; I feel more comfortable in this chaotic swish of unsureness than I do stable, by myself. So, I suppose I will keep you at arm’s length. Decide slowly and take no prisoners.