Dear... No One
I’ve never felt so alone.
I always thought people were being over-the-top and dramatic when they said that phrase, but now I think I finally understand.
I’ve got so many people here for me, and I have no doubt in my mind that a handful of them do love and care for me... but do they love and care for me enough?
I spent 3 months of this year being so incredibly infatuated with someone to the extend where the world around me didn’t matter anymore.
When he left, I was forced to pay attention again.
It’s been 6 months of trying to recover from this severe heartache, and it appears that I was too distracted to have noticed the lack of... care there is for me. With him, I didn’t have to worry about that. He was always my first choice, and at the time I was always his. We had each other.
Looking at my trio of friends, I’ve come to realize that I’m neither one of their first choices. They don’t share the same care for me the way my ex did, it hit me that I will never in my life be close to them the way they’re close with each other. I will always be that 3rd wheel who no invites to hang out, no text messages talking to me about how great their day’s been, no occasional check ups to make sure I’m doing alright.
They care for me, but not in the way they care for each other.
They care for me, but only when my mental health starts to really dictate my life.
They care for me, but only when it’s too late.
I just want to be loved again.
My ex-gaslit and manipulated me any way he could at the end of our relationship... yet he made me feel like I belonged more than my friends ever could.
And I’ll never feel that ever again.