Dear... School
I hate you, school. Don't try to convince me otherwise. I really, truly hate you. I cry every evening because of you. I am not happy because of you. I have no inspiration because of you. I have no time for my hobby because of you. I say I want to die because of you. But I don't think I want to.
It started with me giving up for every task I got, getting angry and hurting myself by biting and scratching my arm or hitting myself in the head. Then I realize what I have done, and start crying on the floor. But now I have no tears left. I cry, but with no tears. I have so much sadness, helplessness, angriness inside of me. But I can't get it out. I have no tears. My face just looks distorted when I "cry". A red, ugly face with no tears. Right now I am desperate for tears. I need to cry out this sadness. Clean my body from these feelings. But I can't. I have no tears.
I have two cats. I love them with all of my heart. They are 4 years old. Lately, I have even thought about one of them dying, just so I finally could get my tears out. Or one of my family members dying. I even thought about my dad dying, because I rarely see him because my parents are divorced, and he works all over Europe. But then I think about how much I actually love him, even though we don't communicate well, I know he loves me. As with my mom.
I do not think about my best friend dying. That would just break me and I would never be the same person again. If I just got a causing event that is so sad I finally could get all these tears out, I would be full of joy. I would cry, but out of happiness.
But school, what do you think you are doing to people when they get these thoughts? Inspiring people to continue their life? No. Giving them good knowledge for later in life? Maybe. Giving them too much work and make them feel like shit? Yes. Definitely.
I argue with my mother and little brother all the time. They see me getting angry, hitting things, but I myself don't get to talk with them. If I try to explain how I feel, I just get mad at myself and then mad at my mother for no reason. Then a fight starts and it is all my fault. Now I have seen my brother taking after me. I hear him in his room when he gets angry at a game he's playing. He hits things, just like me. He screams, just like me. I say to him that I am not a good role model. But that does not change his actions. He has already seen me reacting that way, and his subconsciousness learns from me. I want to stop acting like I do, but I can't.
My fights with my mom have changed. When I get mad, I just go to my room before we fight anymore and just sit there. I start to cry because I hate myself and I think: "What if my mother suddenly died?" I would seriously die inside when I think about all the things I have said to her in anger. In my room, I think about all the bad things in my life: how I always destroy my charger, how I have affected my brother's behavior, how I am rude to people that do not deserve it, how I am too shy and so on. Then when I am done crying (without tears) about all that stuff, I feel empty. I have no emotions. I sit there, feeling like I never want to talk again.
Next time my mom tries to talk with me, I answer in one or zero words. The rest of the day goes by with me walking around like a zombie without any feelings or emotions. One time this happened right after school. I had a bad day (like always) and got home very quiet and tired. Later on, I became happier and had more energy. And my mother even commented on it and said: "Now you finally behave like yourself again!" I didn't even know she noticed me.
My best friend knows that I hate school, and she also hates school, but not like me. I have a much bigger hate towards that place. She is more social and gets friends more easily. I do not. When in these corona times all of my country is in quarantine, I feel a little bit happier. I love being homeschooled, it is so much more relaxing. Yes, it is more to do and I cry over it more than I usually do, but I love it. It sounds weird, I know. But when everybody says that they miss school and that they have realized how good school is, I don't feel that way. I get mad every time I hear someone say that. I don't understand it. Not at all. I would not go back to school even if it was to meet my friends. I feel like nobody there likes me. I am just the shy girl. I feel like my best friend doesn't fully understand me, but that is only my fault. I do not like to talk about my feelings, and we don't do that much. I remember only one time we have had a deep conversation together. But don't misunderstand, she is the best friend ever and I have known her since fourth grade.
However, I still get good grades and am doing pretty well in school. My classmates think I am doing good. I am shy, hate being shy, and have only one real friend in my class. But everybody is kind to me. They understand that I am shy, and treat me like I am one of them. Nevertheless, I feel alone. I can't help it. And everyone thinks I am doing good.
The event that got me to write all of this happened this evening, some minutes ago or something (I don't know how much time I have spent writing this). I was in my room, ready to do some exercise, and had already started doing some exercises. Then my mother came in and start talking to me. I tried to give hints that I wanted her to go away so I could exercise in peace, but she continued talking. Then I said: "Can you go?" and then I realized how angry that sounded. She stood up and said "OK", but I heard that I had hurt her. So stupid as I am, I confronted her about it. I said: "Why do you always have to be so mad?" and then she answered that I was the one that was mad now. I realized that I had nothing to say back, and she left with me standing there in silence. I closed the door, sat down on the floor and wanted to continue exercising, but my motivation was gone. I know I needed that exercise because I am a lazy person, so when I had the motivation to do it, I needed to do it. But now I was left with nothing. So I began crying. Why was I such a mess? Why couldn't I even exercise? How could I ruin my whole evening? Why was I just a stupid girl with stupid emotions? Why am I even alive? Why has the world created me? Why am I so stupid, ugly, mean? I was mad at myself and cried. I looked in the mirror and saw my red face without any saltwater in it. I realized I have so much sadness I need to get rid of, but I don't get out if I have no tears.
I don't know how many will read this, or if somebody reads this because I just found a random website to express my feelings. I haven't even read about this page before posting on it, I just needed to get my feelings out. If you read this, thanks. If you comment (if that is a possibility, I don't know), thank you a lot. If you just agree with me on this, thank you so much. I really, truly appreciate it.