Dear... Anyone Who Cares To Read
I'll start from the very beginning. I'm someone who is currently growing up in a domestically violent household. My parents keep on hitting each other, especially my dad. I have a sister and she's on the verge of going insane. She has done it all, suicide attempts, self harm you name it.
Today, on a very small topic, a mere phone call, they started fighting. As a third person, it was my dad's fault. And whenever it's about my mom, he loses his temper very easily. Today he broke my sister's laptop who's a uni student, broke the chair of my computer table and almost broke my mom's legs.
I'm very used to it. My dad hitting my mom, my mom hitting my dad, my sister shouting at them and being rude, my mother dwelling on past experiences and what not. But, me being used to it is not a good thing. My mom has a weak immune system and my dad wouldn't even care to take her to a doctor even when they don't fight. Well, the story doesn't end here.
I live near both my uncles, my father's brothers, and they visit often. One of them has a son. He's two years younger than me and what's worse is his attitude. He's seriously the person who I hate the most in the whole universe. I hate him so much that if he was on life support and my phone was 99% charged, I'd unplug his life support just to charge my phone 100%. And he'd do this to me to, but just to establish dominance.
So, us cousin's are four sister's and a brother. And he literally is the same to all of us just cause he's a boy. The very reason why I need feminism. He comes to us when he needs anything, help with academics, school assignments, friends whatever. And we are supposed to help him cause if we don't we will be beaten up by our uncle.
Almost a month ago, my mother's brother and his family visited us, and we all were watching a movie at home on TV. Now that one, just had to annoy us, stand in front of the TV. Everyone, asked him at least five times each, politely, to move. He didn't so when I shouted at him to get lost cause he had been annoying everyone, he slapped me. Yes, that happened.
I had had enough. I bursted, exploded, shouted at the top of my lungs. And his reason for his actions, that we could've asked politely. Wow. I have a very high tolerance and endurance level and I don't get angry easily. I exploded that time. In front of everyone. My dad didn't say a word. I mean why would he? My cousin was more of his own child then I was. And of course he always took advantage of that. Called him dad more than I did. Went everywhere I was supposed to go.
I cried for 2 hours that day. I lost my mind to cry over someone like him.
After coming back to my senses, all I wanted was to ask my father: Why don't you just adopt him? He'd happily accept and why don't you just give me up for adoption? Anyone would take me in.
I lived my entire life trying not to be a disappointment and maybe I am not to some. But to my parents, I'm definitely one. I'm the top of my class, good at co-curriculars too. Teacher's favourite. Everyone's favourite at home. Independent. Responsible. Never get angry. Never cry. Be everything that they want me to be. Still, my brother's better than me. The one who just goes around saying whatever he wants regardless of what position others might be in. He's neither independent nor responsible and failing classes in middle school.
My mother was angry at that moment too. She still is when I've let go of the past. And why shouldn't she be? Every time I'm reminded of that incident I cry with no control over myself. The first thing that made me cry is this. Because everything that should stand as my advantage, my strength, everything, was against me at that moment just because I got in a fight with the brother.
He always says to me that I can't hit him, I can't say anything to him. I always thought that he was talking to himself, but after that incident I understood what he was talking about. And it hurts, it hurts like hell.
Let alone all of this, school's hard too. I'm a freshmen and freshmen year isn't that easy. Sophomore's tell us about their freshmen year and I realize we're doing a lot better than them. But, that isn't good enough either. I have basketball trials coming up. MUN coming up. MUN is an important part of college applications. Wondering why I'm worrying about college applications? Because I need to get into college. I need to go to college so I can escape this hell of a family once and for all and never look back again. I don't know if that's selfish. I just want to leave. Music and books aren't enough as an escape anymore, I really need to leave.
I aspire to become a doctor. I have reasons for it. I can become a psychologist and help people deal with a life such as mine and not end up like my sister. Or I can become a surgeon who will be too busy to take phone calls or reply to messages from needy family members.
I'm fourteen, and today I thought of reporting my parents to the police or signing myself up for adoption. I didn't do it because, this too shall pass. My parents will become normal after a couple of hours or days. They always do. But why I still need to leave is because of all of this shit that is happening in my life.
From time to time, sometimes family, sometimes friends, sometimes society, sometimes school causes great damage to my mental health. And this damage will soon cause damage to my physical health. I have anxiety which I'm completely aware about. Don't worry, if you do too, I got a hold of it, it's getting better I have some friends who help me deal with it. I visit the school therapist quite often too.
Now, why did I write this letter? For someone to read. To know that I exist, that a person like me exists. So that someone reading would realize that everyone has a story to tell and that I trust you to read mine. Know me, even if you don't know me. Understand me. All I want is for someone to understand me. Cause those who I talk to definitely don't.