Dear... The Universe
First, let me begin by providing a bit of a preface. This letter is for Eleanna. She’s someone I once knew. It is also an open letter and anyone who cares to read it is most welcome to do so. I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a long time and I’m appreciative of the opportunity to express my thoughts. This letter was prompted by remorse. The kind that keeps you awake past 2:00am with unrelenting introspection and regret. I’ve made countless bad decisions in my life, but this one still really bothers me. I should probably downplay it a little here. I don’t want to disappoint any third party readers. What I did is not juicy or sensational. Perhaps this story isn’t even all that interesting to a passing reader. Simply put, it’s just a shame. It’s a shame what I did.
Eleanna, I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t remember me. I met you during the summer of 2007. Back then, I had been working at a clothing retail store in a shopping mall for a little over a year. One late afternoon, as I was finishing my shift, you walked into the store to start your first day on the job there. We were introduced and a friendship began. It was a pleasure to work with you. You were such a nice person. So kind to everyone. Someone that anyone would be fortunate to call their friend. You were like a shining light brightening up a dimly lit store.
Then one day, you told me that your birthday was coming up soon. You mentioned that you were going to have a birthday party and that I was going to be invited. You asked me for my home address so that you could send me a formal invitation in the mail. It was honestly so thoughtful of you to even consider inviting me to your party.
Now, here’s the sad part… I received your invitation in the mail. I failed to RSVP as the invitation had requested. I didn’t buy you a gift and I did not attend your party.
[I will now pause to allow for all the boos from the third party readers.]
I know, I know…
In all seriousness though, I did a bad thing and I deeply regret it.
I continued to work at the store for another year, but Eleanna, you stopped working there shortly after your birthday. I didn’t know you would be leaving. I found out after your last day that you weren’t coming back. I never saw you again.
So now nearly eighteen years have passed and I am absolutely haunted by the terrible decision I made that summer and all that was left unsaid. For what it’s worth, I did want to go to the party. I can’t remember why I didn’t attend, but I have no excuse at all for what I did. I was thoughtless and irresponsible back then. I realize this may seem to some (or many) like an unusual thing to still be thinking about all these years later, but I remain genuinely bothered by this lapse in my behavior. It was incredibly rude of me to not at least respond to your invitation. You took the time to make it, to seal it in a stamped envelope, to drop it in the mail, and I couldn’t even be bothered to respond to you. You were so sweet and undeserving of this letdown. It breaks my heart that I disappointed you.
I still think of you all these years later. You were the most wonderful person, but sadly, when I think of you, my warm thoughts inevitably turn to ones of self loathing for what I did. I’ve had many sleepless nights where I did a thorough job of being completely disgusted with my regrettable behavior. Regardless of how I feel though, it’s how I made you feel that is my reason for writing this letter. It’s time for me to finally apologize to you.
Eleanna, I am so incredibly sorry. I should have immediately responded to your invitation saying that I would be delighted to attend your birthday party. I should have arrived on time with a nicely wrapped gift for you in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. I should have brought my guitar along to play when we sang Happy Birthday to you. I should have done all this and more. I wish I could rewrite the past, but I can’t. I can’t do any of those things now. So I just want to tell you how much I regret everything.
I fantasize that I’ll run into you at a coffee shop or a restaurant someday so I can apologize in person and offer to pay for your order. A poor substitute for the kindness I should have shown you back then. I do realize we may never meet again though. Since this will likely be my only chance to say something to you, I hope you will accept my long overdue apology in the form of this letter. It is my confession and my penance to you before the public. It’s a message I’ve wanted to send for years. I hope it somehow finds its way to you.
As for me, I’m still trying to forgive myself for what I did. I think writing this letter will help. It is a letter that shall receive no reply and that’s exactly what I deserve. As difficult as it may be, I’m going to try to stop beating myself up over something I did a long time ago. Something I’m very sorry for doing. Something I’ll never do again. I’m going to do better.
Eleanna, if our paths don’t cross again, I hope you have an absolutely amazing life. May it be abundantly blessed with friends far more worthy of a place on your guest lists than myself. Your kind heart deserves it. Thank you for always being so spectacularly good to everyone. You’re an inspiration. I hope that when I think of you from now on, I’ll just smile and be grateful we met. For the short time we knew each other, you left quite a lasting impression on me. Whenever I receive any sort of invitation, I always handle it properly now. That’s your legacy in my life. I’ll never forget you.
Have a very belated happy birthday Eleanna. For the one I missed, and for all the ones yet to come. I wish you the very best with all my heart.