Dear... R, My First Love
I can't stop thinking about you, but I don't know what I'm thinking about if I'm being honest.
It was confusing with you, and it might just be because It was my first relationship, but you knew.
You knew so much about me, more than I know about myself. I don't know if I loved you or loved the person I made up in my head, but I do miss it.
But you lied, you lied so much and when the truth came out, it suffocated me. It hurt my chest so badly, and I hate crying about it because I don't like showing my weaknesses.
I don't like looking like a victim no matter how true it might be, I won’t let myself. But you, you took me out of who I am.
I acted and behaved way differently than I knew myself to be. I lost myself in you to the point where I depended on you.
I wasn't able to breathe without you. Now I can't stop thinking about you. It's weird. Weird and long, the buildup was, and how short the ending was.
I let you into the deepest parts of me and now all of that is in the wind. In someone else’s ears. Everywhere else instead of where it belonged. Now all I have are my thoughts.
I try so much to stop caring but the more I try the more I fail.
The more I try to hate you, the more I keep on thinking, "you were good to me."
And I hate that.
I hate how much control you have over me.
No one told me how stabbing heartbreak is.
Now it's just me.
It's eating me alive.