Dear... Dad
I don't know where to start from. Writing this letter, right here... kind of makes it all real.
Until now I've tried to convince myself that it's in the past or I can just live with ignoring it all. Til now, it's been about you but now it's about me. I need to put myself first. I need to heal.
I can't do this anymore papa. What happened? Why did you stop loving me. What changed? All this time I've been blaming myself, that maybe if I was just a bit better, a bit smarter, a bit prettier or bit more obedient, you'd love me like you used to. You were supposed to be there for me papa. And you weren't.
Growing up, for me, you were the best person alive. The best man. The example of how I wanted to be when I grow up. It's ridiculous how it all just changed. What happened to the man who cried cause I did, the man who took me shopping every Sunday, the man who bought a car cause he didn't want me to come home first time in a public vehicle, the man who brought seven pair of clothes when I was born so that i wear a different one every day? How could you do this to me? How could you just change? Was it all fake? I know it wasn't. So what happened?
I was 12 at that time, all I should've been worried about was what to play with my friends in the evening, not how my dad would be sleeping with other women. Wondering how could I just fix it all. Crying myself to sleep because I thought you didn't love me. Blaming myself for not being enough. When the real problem was you. How could you do that dad? How could you? Was sleeping around with others more important to satisfy your male ego than love us? You broke me.
I thought you'd be the one to save me when I had no one. You were the one who killed me a little inside. You raised my trust issues. You caused my insecurities when all I asked for was love. I kept saying to myself that no it's not true, he can't do that. But for how long? Proofs don't lie, and especially when they are multiple. I
don't hate you, I never could, no matter how much I want to. I've convinced myself for years that I hate you. But I don't. And I hate the fact that I love you, that I'll sacrifice everything I have in a second if you asked and I'd kill myself just to get love from you. I know that the world hasn't been kind to you, but I am your child, all you could've done was being loyal.
And now when you show me how much you love me, all I think about is how fake it is.
You disappointed me dad.
You failed me.
I deserve better.
Better than you.