Dear... Crazy High School Girl Named KJ, Who Wrote A Letter On Here
You're working hard. And you recognize your problem. All the amazing accomplishments mean nothing to you because there is no EMOTION behind them. No matter what you achieve, don't you feel all alone? In this society we operate on our left brain, we think about logic. More success = more money = I'm a better person and I should be happy and grateful that I'm smart, hard-working, and have all these good qualities.
It’s not perceived as superficial, because superficial is all about looks, right? Not quite.
Attributes aren't everything. You're forgetting the right side of your brain. The side that doesn't operate based on concrete facts and information. The right brain flows. It doesn't calculate. It learns through experience. It is shaped by patterns and experiences, not by words and accomplishments. That side of you is being ignored. It would sure be nice to have a friend whom you can actually have fun with, where it doesn't matter about your attributes, your qualifications, but rather just your good feelings.
You are aware of it and that's a good thing. So what if your mother and father have no friends? Go to school and make some. Be the silly girl! Walk up to anybody in the cafeteria and say, "Hey, can I sit here? I'm bored!"
Do whatever you can to make friends and grow. You're sharp. You're aware of the issues in your family. But if you keep giving up, dismissing your thoughts, and slaving yourself to your homework again you'll go nowhere.
I'm not saying to abandon your studies - no. That will benefit you in the future. But remember that the emotional brain is JUST AS MUCH a necessity as the logical one. Yes, you NEED to get good grades to be successful, but you also need to foster strong connections and spend quality time with other individuals to be successful. Successful in your HEART.
And that may require allocating some of the energy you've put into working into your fun. To go out and have fun, you might have to study a bit less. Work a bit less. BUT... you shouldn't feel guilty. Because just as much as you think getting good grades is a NECESSITY that MUST be tended to, SO IS YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. Prioritize "fun" as an actual need. Prioritize "social" as just as important a need as good grades and hard work. Because they are needs. They are human needs.
Don't dehumanize yourself, dear. You got this. Listen to the tiny voice in your head that knows your situation isn't totally right. Capitalize on yourself, be gentle in your approach. Your family may give you a hard time, but it’s because they don't understand how important it is. They, like the rest of society, focus on accomplishments because as immigrants, it is key to their survival. But you're dying inside. And they need to be convinced that your emotional and social life is just as important as your academic life. You're smart enough to not go rouge and melt your brain on social media - that's not even real human connection.
What you need is an emotional, social connection. A strong support circle. You need exactly what you've expressed you needed.
I believe in you.