Dear... The Storm
I feel nothing, I’m so tired of going through the motions, rarely having purpose, rarely happy. There is all this I want to do and experience, I am searching, hunting, obsessing over finding my passion. Sometimes I just want to leave, leave it all behind and start over with nothing. There is just so much in my head, so many pent up thoughts moving too fast for me to grasp. Like an endless storm with no sign of an end. You’d think after countless days, weeks, and months of living in a storm, constantly hearing the endless noise, you’d get used to it. Used to the darkness, used to the noise, and in ways, I have.
Even now as I lay here at night it almost seems like a waste of time trying to slow my thoughts, trying to get something, anything, out into constructive words on paper. Like if I spew these endless thoughts and see them on paper it will be a way of filtering my mind, a way of knowing why I lay awake at night. But that’s the most frustrating thing. My mind races never endingly, but no concrete thoughts. People try to understand, try to ask me what’s wrong but they don’t know, how can I try to explain something when I don’t even know myself? Eternal white noise a static on repeat over and over again in my mind. I need clarity. There is nothing I can write that will help me. The closest I can get is just banging away on the keyboard typing nothing but gibberish. Gibberish no one would understand, not even me, but that’s what’s going on up there just endless, meaningless, and hopeless gibberish.
I do not know what to do. I’m not suffering or miserable, I’m fine. But I’m tired of being fine, tired of going through the motions. I want to feel again, have meaning again, I want to escape.