Dear... Brian E
I don't know if you'll ever see this letter or have someone tell you that someone wrote this for you. But I just had to let this all out because I've been forgetting and thinking about you every now and then, but really I just want you gone from my head.
Perhaps one of the main reasons it's so hard to let go is because we don't see each other in real life, or there's just a part of me that doesn't want to let you go yet because of how we ended. Trust me I've tried everything and in every way. There were times when I thought I did, but weeks after I'd just end up laying on my bed thinking about what we could have been.
To be honest, I saw this coming, I just didn't know when or where or how, but, well, it surely hurt me in a way I thought it wouldn't. You know, I don't really believe in love… I never have but after I met you I just had this beam of hope that perhaps it is possible and that you might just be the one. But, obviously that's not the case. Nonetheless, I still appreciated the time we spent during Summer '19. All the inside jokes and laughter we had couldn't have be better if it was someone else.
Truthfully, when we knew each other, I had just got out of a relationship that I ended. I was mad at myself for ending it but I knew I did it for the best and I was hoping to get some fresh of air. And then I stumbled upon you, weirdly enough you got rid of the guilt I had for them and I instantly felt better. But then I knew, we couldn't go any further if my main goal in our acquaintance was just a fling to get rid of my feelings. But the words you used that charmed me out of all those thoughts, the pictures and songs you sent. How could I possibly leave you just like that?
The first person to realise that it stands for chrysanthemum instead of thinking that it’s just some random words. I liked how passionate you were in cooking and dedicated in your coffee and music. Something that I couldn't see much but maybe because I was boasting too much about my life. But that poetry you wrote was amazing and I know that I could just see how amazing you would be in the future if you ended up pursuing a music career.
I loved how you watched documentaries and didn't seem to bothered about my weirdness and judgemental mind. How quirky you are with all of your typos. Your love for leona. I love your obsession with Ikea and how you listened to Taylor Swift when I told you to. I love how smart you are, how quick-witted you are. Your skilled French tongue, your puns and jokes. How accepting you are and the fact that you watch k-dramas even if you don't seem to be the type. The fact that you don't curse at all amazes me that when you say ‘shit’ it's so damn cute to me. Those few times you helped me distract myself from everything that was going on. All the flourish words you told me, simple I love yous that I myself didn't believe until I didn't hear them anymore.
I don’t know if you remember, but one of the last good mornings I had was "Good Morning Sunshine" and to be hoenst, before I went to sleep I was hoping you hadn’t said that. But guess what. The day you drank tea as good luck, went to the beach and sent me a pic to help me clear my mind and that one time you stayed up for me and we just spent all day talking. I love how you smelled like basil and that peach reminds me of you. It's crazy how you did so many things for me when I barely did any. But I guess even after you did all of that, I played your heart with my words by pretending to like you one day and not the next day in the hopes that I didn’t seem desperate. I did stuff to make you feel jealous, make it seem like you weren't the only one I was talking to and that you were gonna be one of my friends by friend-zoning you. When in contrast you gave me so much love but I sent you half-hearted ‘ily’.
But really I was just scared of getting hurt by being so attached to you. Remember when you asked me if I thought you were gonna leave me and I replied with "no". To be frank I really did think you were but I just didn’t want to admit that because you were the best I had. But then, at the end of our story, guess what… you really left. No texts, no reasons, no calls, no response. Ghosted for three days on Halloween week. And on halloween I tried sending you a text but, well, you didn’t respond, so I unsent the text and you happened to block me. You deleted all of your accounts, most likely to make sure I couldn’t text you in anyway. I was hurt, angered, mad, free and just mix feelings of furious. I cried so much and felt so stupid for trusting someone like you, that I wondered if you really loved me and if you meant every word you told me or if it was just what you tell other girls to win over their heart. But then I also think that perhaps its because of me, I could have hurt you to the point you felt I was toxic for you.
I don't know if you were the Joker and I'm Harley Quinn or you were just another one of the people that I had mistakenly hurt even though I loved them. You left without goodbye and it makes me just wonder everyday if you'll come back and that maybe in the future I would somehow see you in the streets. I wonder if you still think of me and were as hurt as me. Do you regret what you did? Or do you have another girl in your mind that just treats you better than I ever could?
I'm sorry if I made you feel worthless and if you did it on purpose.
Goodbye. I really don’t want you in my head anymore.
Carpe diem.