Dear... My Best Friend Lover
Sometimes, it's not how hard and/or long you fight for the relationship. It's not about determining what could be changed, what could be done. If you see and feel your significant other not loving you totally, what's the point?
When you came back to me last year, I thought it was a sign. After months of not talking to you, you were the one who reached out to me. From then on, the love I thought we had grew bigger than before. At some point, you made me feel like I was the princess of your world. I believed you when you told me things will get better. I believed in all the things you've done and shown to me.
But things got harder when I found out you were still with your ex, and I was pregnant to our first. Instead of continuing the pregnancy, you didn't want me to, so we terminated it; you knew my parents would hate me if they found out I was pregnant. I was devastated and that was the first time I felt like something has died in me.
You kept on talking to your ex for the next couple of months, while I kept talking to you about my anxiety, fears, us. Until she finally found out we'd been dating. It took you a lot of time to realize how I felt. And when your parents found out, you didn't have the guts to stand by me. Yes, you were there. Physically. But I felt alone, and yet, I still love you.
I didn't know you still continued talking to her when I thought everything was going well. When you told me you'd finally set boundaries with her.
May 2019. We found out I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I almost died. You stayed with me at the hospital during the process. However, a few days after, you two were talking again. I thought everything had been done. I thought you'd finally decided to be faithful. I feel broken. I caught you talking to her over and over again. And one day, instead of fixing things with me, you decided to disappear with her for a day. I felt like I lost my sanity when I found out you'd disappeared. I looked for you everywhere. I didn't miss a minute looking for you. Then you texted me saying "Baby I'm sorry I f**ked up everything." I still gave you a chance after that. But you two didn't stop.
You knew how I struggled after the mess. I dropped my class. I almost failed the other. I lost my job. All in two months. Then the next thing you told me was "I don't think I can see you every day." My world shattered even more. And the next thing I knew was you went with her to the private nursing school when it was our dream to go to the same nursing school together. At this point, I don't know.
I'm the one who should tell you I don't think I can do this anymore.