Dear... Ex lover
I really regret meeting you because I nearly lost everything that mattered. You took my time, money, self worth, peace of mind, my body. But at the same time, meeting you showed me what true narcissism looks like and that's you to a T.
D, the night I met you was very unexpected. I learned of your existence after 6 years of knowing your sister. I didn't understand why she told others about you except for me. Now I think it's because she knew you would have targeted me and wanted to protect me. But it didn't work out like that. M's birthday party at the karaoke bar crossed our paths. I thought you were the most gorgeous man I had ever seen in my life. I literally lost my breath. Your smile was lethal and your charm overwhelmed me. I didn't expect you to flirt with me that night and I didn't expect to hug you either. I know now that what happened was spiritual because I had never felt such an intense connection so soon. I told you I hoped I would see you again. You told me I would.
I went to bed that night thinking about you. I dreamed about you, and woke up thinking about you. This was the norm for far too long because you became an idol in my heart. I was excited when I became your client. I really needed a massage therapist after pulling 18 credit hours. What I didn't know was that this would be the start of my unraveling. D, you and I spoke from sunrise to sunset almost. I really thought I had found the perfect best friend because you were able to read my mind and we seemed to have SO much in common. It got to the point where I started asking if you were taking trips in my head. I literally was able to feel what you were feeling. It was crazy because I had never had that experience with anybody else. But I should have known that you were too good to be true because you were so perfect. Things were too perfect.
D, you changed after A dumped you. You NEVER should have gotten with her and I told you to end things before you got hurt. You nearly died because you couldn't keep it in your pants. Thank God you didn't die from alcohol poisoning and drunk driving that night. But you did a 180, and turned into an asshole shortly after. I ignored it thinking you were just heartbroken. But after you let your skanky friends interrupt our dates and got mad at me for practically telling one of them to leave, I started seeing your true colors. I should have dumped you that night, but I didn't want to lose what we had earlier. Plus, I was friends with your sister and mother which would have made things awkward. So, I put up with your butt.
Thankfully, some time out of town did you good. When you came home, your skanky friends disappeared and you started treating me better. You were the D that I had first met again and I was beyond happy. We seemed closer than ever. Our dates were much better as well as the people who were coming into your life. I didn't feel like I had to fight for time with you as much.
It wasn't long after your return that things started to get more physical between us. I knew it was coming. You bragged so much about how great you are in bed that it got me curious. Plus, I had non-stop sexual fantasies about you on a regular basis. I had only been with one other man before you and wondered if you were right that I didn't have anything to compare with. Well, here's what I found out. D, you are WAY too rough. I felt pain the first time you grabbed me. I felt pain when we fooled around the first time and ended up bleeding. The night sex happened, I bled all over your white bedding. Truth be told, I didn't want to have sex that night because I didn't feel like it. I was drunk, not feeling well, but you were so determined to have sex, I just let you do it. It wasn't fun. In fact, you are terrible in bed. The first 34 women you were with may have liked you being aggressive, but I didn't. I expected the first time sex between us to be romantic and gentle. I expected you to be the ultimate romantic man you portrayed yourself to be. But instead, I got a fast drunken assault that left me bleeding and feeling empty.
When I missed my period, I was actually happy. In spite of the way you were treating me, I wanted your baby. I thought a baby would get you to stop drinking, wasting money, and messing around with those whores. I wanted you to stop taking me for granted. When the test came back negative, you were relieved... I was secretly disappointed. But what happened next was beyond hurtful. When you decided to date a single mom and play daddy to her baby, that was a huge slap in the face. What would you have done had I been pregnant, D? Abandon me and our child like your dad abandoned you? Probably because it's in your blood.
D, I know we weren't exclusive, but rubbing that relationship in my face was very cruel and hurtful. Talking about her son was rubbing salt into my wounds. Taking her to places you promised to take me ticked me off. Then telling everyone she and her child were the reason you stopped your crazy behavior was beyond infuriating. What the heck was I? I did my best to save you, D. I let you treat me like crap thinking that one day you're were going to get it together and you would treat me better. You going around giving her everything that should have been mine was cruel. I ended up hating her because I felt she got the baby and life I wanted. Even crazier, you wouldn't let me meet her. I should have known that you only intended our relationship to be secret. You wanted a white girl in public and a black girl as your sexual outlet away from prying eyes. Just so you know D, I think your sister and the rest of the group knew. That's probably when they started talking about me behind my back.
But in spite of it all, I stayed with you thinking you would remember me and what I meant to you. I didn't realize that I had become the other woman. Looking back now, the times we went out and were physical were the times you and her were broken up. Maybe you were together, but I didn't care because in my mind, you and I had a longer, stronger bond. I was there during your worst. She showed up when you came into all that money. That's why I thought she was a gold digger and a whore using her son to keep you from staying broken up with her. Funny considering I was a whore myself. And I thought I earned some of your money since I was with you when you were just starting out and put up with all your crap.
I was so desperate to hang onto you that I went to the internet to look up love and break up spells to get rid of her. You were complaining about not having peace with her because shocker... when you date a single mom, you have to deal with the real father and her family. I even ordered pheromones perfume to get your blood boiling... which I didn't have to do much for it to happen. So yeah, I virtually turned into you... a manipulating nutjob while you sucked me dry of everything good. The massage room at the country club was our getaway every week. I'm not going to lie, but I had fun. I told myself that she may be your public girl, but I was the one in your heart... as you always told me, I knew you better than anyone in the world. I can't believe that I actually thought that was okay.
When I moved away, the physical relationship ended, but we had crazy phone sex. And yes, I was still determined to have you to myself because after all, you finally admitted that you loved me. But then reality hit when I went online and saw you back with her. Instead of dumping you, I unleashed on her for a week. Funny how you had no problems talking crap behind her back and cheating on her with me, but when she was called everything but a child of God, you suddenly turned righteous. Talk about insane, D. You set all that mess into motion and decided to play the victim. Good thing you figured out it was me because you knew if I went down, I was taking you with me. But yeah, the hurt and anger that had been building since A finally got unleashed. Anger at you for getting with A, angry that you promised me the world and gave it to another girl, anger at being your sordid secret when you knew how much I loved you, anger that you didn't care that my sister died, anger when you lied to me over and over about how you really felt about me, anger at finding out that you actually raped me the first time we had sex. You didn't have to do that, D. I was offering myself to you sober, but you waited until I was drunk to make your move. What a coward you are! I was angry that you freaked at the thought of becoming a father, but found it easy to play daddy to a child that wasn't yours. I was angry that you found it okay that your slut friends could interrupt us, but if I attempted that, you would get pissed. What that all I was to you, D? A toy to bring out occasionally when the white girls weren't available? No wonder I went crazy. And no wonder the people from college threw me away after another witch started crap with me.
I wish I could put all the blame on you for what happened with those people changing their tune about me, but I can't. The truth is they were never friends to begin with because if they had been, they would have taken the time to speak to me directly about their concerns instead of believing what they were seeing was the real me. But of course, I wouldn't have listened because I couldn't see back then what was really going on. But it still doesn't excuse them for the additional destruction they brought into my life. As for you, D. Your cowardice is a disgrace to real men everywhere because instead of just telling me to my face that you wanted to end things, you disappeared when I needed you the most. But at least I got to hear you one last time two a half years later... claiming you ignored me because you were so busy. Such bull! But I got the last word in at the end of the year when I finally got smart and dropped you and your enabling family from my life.
You are my greatest regret, but in the end I'm now glad I met you because now I know the signs of a narcissist and never again will I let anybody like you back in my life. I feel sorry for the woman in your life now. I also feel sorry for your kid. But life has a way of coming back around. What you did to me, that girl, and everyone you've ever hurt will find its way back to you... if it hasn't already. You literally turned me crazy and I had to get help before I really self destructed. But the good news is today I'm in a better place and I'm continuing to thrive. I have a great husband, child and life with real friends and I have accomplishments that you and that group will never have the privilege of seeing. Too bad for you, D. But you guys chose to treat me like dirt and you may not regret it now, but one day you will. In the end, I forgive you and hope you grow empathy and a conscience before it's too late. Peace.