Dear... The Man Who Saw Me As Vulnerable
It happened. It finally happened. I accepted my dream job. Working for an industry I have been passionate about throughout my entire life, and have centered my educational and career choices around to get to this point. I studied the application, the company, and recited the typical interview questions. And I landed the gig. I was so proud of myself, and my family and friends couldn't have been happier for me.
I went through my first week with my head held high, and a desire to be the best. But, I had never worked the "typical 8-5", the lifestyle was different. I began to feel inexperienced, not good enough, and nervous about the future. But you saw my shift in personality as an opportunity. You saw me as the young, new, and vulnerable girl in the office. But you also saw my hunger to learn, motivation to climb the corporate ladder, and willingness to take on new challenges in order to succeed. You made me feel like I have so much potential, and made me feel special for taking me under your wing. You offered a generous amount of opportunities. You made me feel like I really was an irreplaceable asset to the team.
But, one night after weeks of training, learning, and beginning to feel a part of the team. I drank too much.
I blame myself. I know I went overboard, but it felt like everyone was. Passing around drinks, playing games, talking about topics aside from our next deadline and meeting. It was your average young-adult hangout on a Friday night. We were celebrating. I was so excited to be invited to join my co-workers outside of the office for some socialization. I didn't have many friends in this new city.
I knew what had happened was wrong, and I take that blame. I know I shouldn't. But I am disgusted with you for taking advantage of me while I was unaware of what was going on.
I feel back into "my hole"- as I call it. A circle of regret, guilt, and disappointment in myself. Embarrassed, my motivation deteriorated.
But you assured me this was all ok. That I wouldn't be able to understand the struggles within your marriage. You thanked me for being there for you, for keeping a positive attitude when you would complain and work, life, and family. You treated me like no man ever had. You brought me coffee in the morning, took me out for movies and drinks, offered to drive me wherever I needed when my car was in the shop, you even left cute notes and presents at my doorstep. You wanted to make me feel special, and you did.
I was so blinded by how wrong this was. Because you said everything was ok. That no one would ever find out. It wouldn't affect our social or work life.
It hit me one day, that it needs to stop. And stop right now. I called to cancel after you offered to take me to dinner. "I don't want to do this anymore," "we can't do this anymore," "we never should have started this." But you told me you needed me, now more than ever. You couldn't lose what we had.
"I need you". Isn't it crazy, how a 3 word phrase can make someone feel so irresistible, and important to another person? You didn't let me leave. You took advantage of my kind and empathic personality. You made me feel like I needed you too, after so many nights of deep, personal conversation. "I can help you". I fell back. Things returned to the taboo, secret relationship we had. And it got worse. It reminds me of how some couples become stronger after their first big fight or disagreement. Physically, and emotionally, I let you in even more. Because you wanted it, and persuaded me again that "everything will be ok".
You got what you wanted. Or maybe you didn't, and it was all complete bullshit so you could have the power over me. And then you left. Conversations dropped from good mornings and sweet dreams, to nothing at all. The worst part? I still see you every day at the office, but you left on your terms. After I tried to, and gave you so many opportunities to leave before things got out of hand.
I'm disgusted with myself, I blame myself. But I know I shouldn't. Never in my worst nightmare did I think I would hold title of "the other woman". It didn't feel real, like nothing was wrong for so long.
You used to not even wear your ring at the office. Was that my fault?
Weeks went by, I felt so small. I didn't think I could be so nauseated by my own actions, until your wife and kids surprised you for your birthday at the office. I couldn't look at them. I went home and cried the night away. Emotionally beating myself up with guilt and regret. How could I put myself in a situation to ruin a family?
So, to you. Forget about me. Forever. Focus on the beautiful, successful family you have.
But I'll never forget about you. The way you made me feel when you left, the ups and the downs, the way you emotionally and physically took advantage of me.
My main focus at this point in my life is succeeding in my career. My fear is the past coming back to haunt me, and our relationship being too big a hill to climb and overcome to get to where I want to be.
I still have this small hope you'll notice my impressive work ethic, and applaud me. Why do I have this hope... why does it matter... why do I still care...?
I regret everything that has to do with you. I was becoming a better person everyday, and you tore me down with intentions of building me back up the way you wanted.
And as of 3 days ago, you are now my immediate supervisor. I have to meet with you every day, engage with you, and have consistent contact. I'm trapped.