Dear... Boyfriend
Two years can feel like forever, but it can also feel like an instant. Two years of ignoring obvious red flags. Two years of wondering where I stand. It’s not just the past three days. It’s been the better part of a year where I wonder where I rank with you. I’ve had the thoughts but when other people bring up the facts it’s impossible to not question them, especially when I have to fight or initiate almost every bit of comfort I get.
You always say you’re a private person, yet every account you have is a legit wall of how much you loved your ex. How much she meant to you. Maybe you don’t realize it, but it’s also a giant wall of insecurity for me. I don’t even get a drive safe or an ‘I love you’. Honestly that stage was short lived. Now you NEVER text me to ask how’s your day? Actually, looking back it was always me who asked. You’ve said you don’t text me when you’re at work because you see me at home, but realistically you don’t talk to me much then either. Every time we’ve set up a date night you just ignore it... or if plan A isn’t going according to plan, you just go home. And the cycle continues. You spend more time on GOS than you do spending time with me. Hell I even try to spend time with you in game but you can’t be bothered.
I had a really rough night, you shrugged it off. I had a hard day but good news, you ignored me when you got home. You go out of your way to avoid talking to me, I even mentioned that we use to play those dumb iPhone games but YOU got annoyed with them. Send you a request? Mine’s still waiting. SHOCKING.
Outside of the fact that a select few have seen you, “I don’t really even see that you exist.”
There is very little you initiated affection. And it’s not even sex it’s just like, a real conversation or like knowing that you still actually wants me around vs having to have me around. It’s not me resting my head on your stomach, it’s you pulling me in for cuddles. It’s you physically saying you are mine and I want to share space.
Going through my phone I have millions of photos of you and Link, or just you honestly showing affection to anything but me. I think I have TWO pictures of us. I actually really notice the lack of anything to do with us together, what I was going to go get a frame for Christmas and put pictures of you and the cats, link, Hua, us. yeah. That was depressing. Instead I spent days trying to find the perfect bought gifts for you instead of trying to find something personal and not generic. I was pretty damn proud of myself. I guess I didn’t do as well as I thought I did. $150 down the drain in your disappointment. And yeah, it stung a bit that you waited til the last min and didn’t even know my shirt size. I guess that wasn’t an important detail when you rushed to find something. Kind’ve felt like an after thought.
You told me not that long ago that I had no drive. I bit the bullet, threw my brain and well-being into working all the hours to advance in a job. Now I work too much. I restructured to a schedule I am slightly miserable on just so I could spend the time you are awake on your days off with you. That’s not good enough.
I don’t know what kind of expectations your ex gave you. I mean from what I hear y’all went out and did stuff all the time. Actually that is constantly brought to my attention because apparently it’s been noticed by “everyone” in the house that we don’t do anything together anymore. I’d spend the money if you’d just give me your time.
None of that shit would matter if you acted like I mattered. None of it bothered me when you actually kissed me before you went to work or gave me a hug. Even the fact that you never say good night without me saying it first.
You always use my name or call me ‘man’. Never use any terms of endearment. Yet when I call you ‘dude’, it’s an issue.
I try to say something and it’s the end of the world. You are always right. I’m always wrong.
If things don’t change soon, There’s no soon… I can’t do this anymore.