Dear... Everyone Who Hurt Me
TW.
To be honest. I don't know if loving you is the best or worst thing I've ever done.
Dear first love,
You made me feel not good enough and honestly, that damaged me the most. Seeing the way you looked at her, but then when we were alone, I was special. But not special enough.
You told me, "Let's not tell anyone about this, because I'm sad." And of course I listened. I thought maybe you just needed time. But time passed and I waited for 5 damn months. And you were so confusing. Making me question myself. Wanting to be good enough for you.
I stopped eating and started throwing up the food I ate. I started wearing more makeup. Cut my hair off. Changed my wardrobe. And of course, that isn't all your fault, but you made me feel like I was never going to be enough. And that made me do stupid things. So I stopped. I got out of my eating bullshit and I just started to act like myself. But that doesn't mean it wasn't hard, just because I managed to do it. I thought you just needed time and I was so blind I couldn't see the truth. It isn't all your fault. But that one weekend. You really got me hurting.
Dear ex best friend number one,
You knew how much I liked him. Yet you decided to sleep with him (not my first love). You guys got together and I was happy for you. But you told me at the worst moment. The day before my dog was going to get put down, you know how much pain that had already caused me, and yet you decided that it was your responsibility to tell him all about MY feelings for him and then just stand there kissing him right in front of me. And then later deciding to come to my house and sleep over that very same day. I told you the truth. I never lied to you and so I told you, "I'm not sure how this is going to affect us" and so you decided that your relationship was worth more than ours. I told you to leave me alone and you listened.
You came crawling back when you guys broke up and I let you in and it had only been a week since I told you to leave me. But then you made people think I was lesbian. Which I am not. I got upset with you for that, of course, and you just decided to cut me out because of it. Like my feelings never mattered to you. So I said, "I asked you for this when you made me feel like shit". Then you went around school telling everyone how I had no one since you left me and I was a bitch. But how the tables have turned now.
Dear ex bestfriend number two,
For two solid years, we were best friends. Despite the fact that you almost made me lose the person I've known for my whole life, the person who always has been the one who meant the world to me. Your depression was something you battled and I always stuck on your side through it all. I mean the rape, the dad problems, the self-harm. I was there through every bit of it. And yet you couldn't even accept me when I was at my lowest. I started isolating myself. Breaking contact with everyone I knew, pushing everyone away - including you. And of course, that wasn't easy for you but trust me it wasn't easy for me either. Because I knew how much you suffered. But after everything I needed to take a break because you know damn well I suffered with you. And so I shut down. I disappeared. My grandma's cancer didn't make it easier for me. The fact that I wasn't gonna be able to see your face every day after summer vacation - it was all just simply too much for me to handle. Your depression was never my responsibility and yet I took it upon myself to make sure you made it out. Never expecting anything in return. Then we stopped being friends. You told me you hoped my grandma died of cancer while I was closing the world out. You even took time out of your day to call and text me when I started becoming friends with a guy who your other friend had a crush on. Us being friends never meant I tried to make him like me instead of her and you knew that.
So we stopped talking completely. Until one day you were crying in school and I hugged you. I told you that it was gonna be okay. And so you entered back into my life despite the horrible things you did and said to me. But, soon enough, I told you about how my other best friend slept with the guy I had a huge crush on, told you how I had gotten drunk just to numb the feelings only for a night. But you didn't care and did what she did. Ending up pregnant. Telling me it wasn't meant to turn out the way it did. So I stood there screaming at him like a fool. But I lost respect after that point. And so I tried to cut you out again.