Dear... Mom
Mom, I was 16 when you were diagnosed with breast cancer. From the moment you told me you were gonna get that lump checked out, I felt sick, and didn’t stop feeling sick until a week after you told me you were cancer free. It had to settle in.
My biggest regret is not being there for you when you went through that. I couldn’t come to terms with it, even now you have been cancer free for a while, it wasn’t until a few months ago that I could think about your cancer without crying. I wish I could go back and be there for you when you were going through the toughest battle of your life.
When you or someone would talk about it I would have to get up and leave the room because hearing about it made me upset, it made me remember that you were dying. I would block it out, because acknowledging it would mean that it was actually happening.
I remember you brought me to one of your chemo appointments and you suggested that I come in with you and I refused. To me, seeing my mom laying there as she gets chemicals pumped into her body, I couldn’t do it.
Since I didn’t know the progress of your treatment and health, to me, there was a 50/50 chance you were gonna be okay. I think a part of me knew that I would rather have a 50/50 chance that everything would be okay than learn that losing you was a greater odd, so I chose to stay in the dark. If I didn’t know anything, then I wouldn’t have to hear bad news.
I feel selfish. I cared more about what I felt and the anxiety it brought me than to be there for you and be a listener. You were the one dying and I couldn’t be there, I wouldn’t. Somehow, you were the one dying and it was too tough on me. It’s not okay, I know that now and deep down I knew that then. I may have been there physically but we both know that I should have been there emotionally.
How lonely it must have felt to go through that when you’re that sick, and in your own home. I know you must’ve felt like I didn’t care to learn about you or to hear about it. I shouldn’t have blocked you out like that, and I would’ve never have forgiven myself if you died.
I should’ve been there, and im sorry. I’m sorry mom.