Dear... Lover
I love you. No, I adore you. With all I have. You're my moon & my stars. I cherish you. Yet, I can't shake the feeling that we aren't meant to be anymore.
You used to be kind and loving towards me. You used to look at me with big, joyous eyes. Now, you barely look at me. You have become distant. You have grown cold. I know that you are fighting your own demons - so am I. I know how hard it can be. But I'm here for you. You gladly use my help in your household, you gladly accept my love and intimacy whenever you are in need of love. I do not mind giving it to you - at all. But I do mind how you have been treating me lately. I do mind the lack of love I experience. You don't love me like you promised, my love.
Whenever I ask for warmth, I get a cold shoulder. Whenever I ask you if you are still attracted to me, you laugh it off. You call me fat, as a "joke". But my former eating disorder feasts on those comments. Deep down I know I am not fat. But those words harm my self image greatly and I've started to see a deformed image of myself again. You call me a nag whenever I tell you that I am sad that you're not really making me a part of your life.
We have been together for almost 4 years now. My family has accepted you, your family seems keen to accept me as well. Yet you keep me away from them. Is it because they confide in me like they never did with your ex-wife, the mother of your children? Is it because you are ashamed of me because of my mental health?
A few months ago, I attempted suicide. It was the one time that you shouldn't have cared for me. But you did. You meddled and called the cops. If it had been 15 minutes later, I would have been dead. I am now grateful that you rang. But I wonder - are you? Or do you regret not letting me die?
You go out dining with everyone, except for me. Because that's a waste of time and money. You used to cuddle and kiss me. Now you even push me away when I come to you. You used to laugh with me, now you yell. You used to help me when I broke down, now you insult me and tell me I'm nothing but a nag. What happened? What did I do wrong for you to be this cruel towards me? You say I'm not family, you say I don't have a say in our relationship, you say I demand too much. But you also say you love me. I'm done hearing it. I want you to show it again. Because I have finally learned the truth about myself: I am worthy.
And if you don't see that, then maybe you're not worthy anymore. My love, I gave you everything. Why am I not good enough for you?