Dear... My Silent lover - A reply to whoever wrote "The Girl Who Deserves Better Love"
The moment I laid my eyes on this letter "The Girl Who Deserves Better Love", something in my heart told me that this letter has been written by you. I know the odds of this theory being true are not in my favour but then again... love defeats all odds sometimes. Even if this letter has not been written by you, I will still reply to it, hoping that my words might help someone on the same journey as me.
I'll start off by telling you how upset I am with you... you not only made a judgement on my behalf but based on that judgement you also formulated a decision that concerned me, all while keeping me out of it. You decided on your own that I will be happier without you? That you hold me back? That I deserve someone else's love? I wish you could see yourself from my eyes, I wish you could see the place you have in my heart, I wish you could see me when I cry making dua for you at tahajjud.
You say that I'll be happier and better without you, and believe me I so want it to be true... but I have been miserable since the day you left me alone, everyday is a struggle to not think about you, to not wonder why you would be so harsh to the girl you once claimed to love/care about. Everyday I stop myself from reaching out to you and ask you how could you do this to me, how could you let me cry and weep when you promised you wont ever let me tear up again, how could you let me suffer when I clearly called out for help for you, how can you purposely let the girl who was the best thing that happened to you.. out of your life?
I also want to apologize to you, that even though I was present in your life I wasn't able to comfort you like I wanted to. Believe me, I wanted to give you every ounce of love that I had. I am sorry that you felt alone and felt like you couldn't talk to me about whatever was going on in your head. I am sorry that I became so impatient with you. You know when a person is drowning... that person will do everything to save themself from drowning, that person would even hold onto a match stick, even though a match stick can not save that person. But before taking their last breaths that person would do everything possible to live. When you started to become distant from me, I felt like I was slowly drowning, it felt like I couldn't breathe, so I became impatient and did everything I could so I wouldn't lose you… but I guess all my efforts contributed to the drowning, instead of doing the opposite, because I ended up losing you.
I remember leaving you a hundred messages, calling you when you wouldn’t even pick up... which was so unlike me. But at that time I didn't care about anything but keeping you in my life.
Unlike you, who would want to end things (well you have already ended things) I want to think of this as a temporary distance between us.... and I pray everyday that we find a way back to each other. I pray to Allah for you my love, I pray that you find peace and happiness... I pray you find eternal love even if it is not from me. I pray that whatever career goals you had told me about... that you achieve them all.
You know for a while, my love for you was selfish, it was that I loved you and I wanted you to love me back. I still love you but my love is not selfish now, I just want you to be happy and be at peace even if I can't be a part of your life. That does not mean that I will stop praying for us to be back together, I will keep asking Allah everyday, with every prayer for you to be mine, and then if it doesn't happen I will know that it is best for the both of us.
Wherever you are in the world, just look up towards the sky and know that someone in the world exists that looks at the same sky and prays for you. You are not alone.